Honestly, I’m kind of going through it and I’m just looking to vent. I’ve been a practicing vaguely Mahayana Buddhist for about six months, but I am just so confused what direction to take my practice. I haven’t even been able to find the temple or teacher or sangha that is near me despite the fact that I live in New York City because the only option we really have out here is Zen—which is no shade to Zen but it’s just not the branch that I’m particularly interested in after having gone to a Zendo quite a few times. Pureland temples that I’m more attracted to theology and philosophy wise are often strictly Chinese. I mean that in a way they don’t really want me there and they’ve said as much once or twice—not directly, but when you ask when a good time to come for service is and they tell you, “oh just ask around if we’re open” I don’t know, doesn’t seem inviting (I am half Spanish half Arab). I mainly practice at my home alter with both praises to Sakyamuni, Amitofuo, Avalokiteshvara/Guan Yin. I don’t intentionally mix multiple traditions together but in the absence of a teacher it’s just hard not to unless you know PRECISELY what to look up. I’m honestly struggling because sometimes I feel like “poser” Buddhist but then again I know I know my Dharma and I know I’ve had glimpses of the Tathāgatagarbha in others and in myself. At least in some sense and I do my best to read as much as possible and truly understand the different ideas from each sect/tradition/school.

I truly appreciate if anybody actually took the time to read this and I have a lot more to say but I figure I’ll answer if I see some comments pop up and I really just need to talk it out because I don’t know anymore if I’m doing the kind of meditation that should be doing, I don’t know if I’m progressing, I don’t even know if I’m happy anymore. Alas at this point I can do quality anapanasati/mindfulness of breathe training for approx 30min-hour, twice a day. Vipassana is a bit difficult for me and I feel I lack sufficient wisdom to get further there.

Namo Buddhaya, Namo Amitabahya Namo Dhammaya, Namo Sangahaya.