I was raised Eastern Orthodox, but fell away from it during my teens. I’ve looked into a variety of spiritual practices since, specifically that of insight meditation. My most intense experience with Buddhist practice was on a residential Vipassana retreat about four years back, during which a coercive and manipulative instructor pressured me into prostrating before a statue of the Buddha and offering it a ceremonial offering consisting of candles, incense and flowers. Not only did it not feel right, but I felt internally defiled. Even though I was not a believer at the time, I felt like I was one of the Israelites who had begun worshipping the golden calf while Moses was gone from the Book of Exodus. While I’ve had meditative experiences that can only be described as paranormal, there’s something about Buddhism that feels very foreign, and hence unbecoming for someone of European extraction like me to practice.

In light of what happened, I ended up finding an English-speaking Orthodox community to worship with, but over the years, became disappointed with it. While Eastern Orthodoxy is something that’s very familiar to me, much of it seems based entirely upon blind belief. No amount of participation in the liturgy, communion or confession ever seemed to do anything for me. The only reason why I still even bother going to church these days is because I have yet to find a group of people that is as warm and welcoming towards me as they are. As someone with a history of recurring mental illness, I’m reluctant to do away with the support systems I already have. How do I best go about finding the truth in these circumstances?