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I am brOKen.
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Today, I learned that I am a completely broken person.

A little bit about myself. I am a male 34 with a wife and 2 children. I served in the military for 13 years, and 8 months until the military deemed , I am no longer fit for duty based on mental and physical health. My body condition has been in a very steep decline since I was about 22-23 years old when I started getting weird shoulder pains that could only be described as intermitten muscle pains caused by strain. I get it, as we get older, our body gets beaten up, and being in the military, that's is slightly accelerated. My mental condition started to get bad in 2014 to 2015 when I saw and experienced some things while being stationed overseas that few have ever experienced. I won't go into specifics, but it was not a pleasant experience. I had some sleep issues that got really bad. Like sleeping for a total of 45 minutes over a period of a week bad. Anyway, the struggle has been real for a while now. Going through periods of crippling depression and body pain so bad that getting out of bed was near impossible.

I have always had the support of my family, and they understand that this is an ever-present issue.

I love my family so very much, and I would never do anything to them to intentionally hurt them. My children give me so much hope for the future, and my wife is my rock.

Sometimes, it does not feel like I can be my own person, always being a father/husband with no real free time to just be alone and do things that make me happy.

I bust my ass at work and do the best I can to provide for my family. I would not consider myself good at my job because I have only been there for about 8 months and still have a ton to learn. I am always there on time and try my best to do good work no matter my physical or mental state. I like the work for the most part. It seems like I am expected to perform at a higher level than everyone else because I am prior service. My boss was a marine, and it feels like something is always wrong with any of the work anyone does.

At this point in my life I feel like I am stuck in a position where I have always been the provider and never really did anything for myself except for buy cars that I like and get financially invested into things I like to do but have no time to work on. I put on this facade of a well put together tattooed and bearded man who is amazing. But deep inside, sometimes I just want to do my own thing. Work on things I want to, look at titties, play video games, and just kind of push my family aside for a while. While not feeling guilty about not spending time with them.

I don't know where I am going with this but I just needed to get a few things off my chest. I need to be cheered up and get out of the funk I am currently in.

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2 years ago