Good day fellow travellers! I’m posting here because, well, I’m actually on a quest…

You see, I’m looking for a questing companion… someone to play with regularly, a friend-with-benefits, if you will… I know that the elusive FWB is considered a myth in some circles… a legend in others, but I am sure that it does exist… I mean it really does… right?

I won’t lie: a few times along the road, I’ve lost hope. Given up. Almost abandoned my quest for companionship. Thrown in the towel, only to come crawling back weeks later, only to be met with the same sting of rejection, again and again.

I mean, in all honestly? The odds are STACKED against me. Literally, like Jenga. And when I say stacked… I mean, some of you guys are stacked. I am not (lol). I do not have a massive pen1s. But what I do have is a very specific set of skills. Skills that I have honed over many years. Skills that make me a nightmare for… uh… well… I didn’t really think this part though, but I have skills ok??

But when the odds are stacked against you, you either go big or go home. You either settle for mediocrity and continue to pity yourself… or, you look at yourself in the mirror. You do some dumbbell curls. You write a kickass post. You quote Zoolander to yourself (again, yes, in the mirror). You eat a banana. You enjoy the banana so you eat another one. You decide to stop eating bananas because you don’t want to ruin your appetite for dinner. And you get back out there, legend…

So… I guess you could say that this is me getting back out there. Getting back on the proverbial horse. The hypothetical hippo. Yes, only hypothetical, because hippos are quite deadly.

What skills can I offer you, you ask? Excellent question, fellow traveller!

• I can write songs and tales that make the minstrels weep, laugh, scream and quiver

• I can invoke waves of pleasure within other people’s bodies (no magic required)

• I can play a variety of musical instruments, all very poorly

• I am a great conversationalist… a good father… and a horrible husband

• I can eat a banana in under 30 seconds

If this interests you in some strange or incredulous way, I implore you to contact me, fellow traveller. I bid you farewell and best of luck.