Trigger warning for CSA and SA this is a repost because the other one got deleted for having too long of a title

Sorry I know this isn’t the normal topic here, I guess I just need to vent to anonymous Brisbane people because there’s no one else and the fact you’re all in Brisbane makes it feel less like I’m yelling into a void. Please scroll on if you don’t wanna read this.

I have sexual abuse in my childhood but it’s like, not just one man — It was a group type situation and men would be invited in to be alone with me to do whatever they wanted. There have also been situations when I was a bit older — as a teenager being taken advantage of by people irl and older men online and once — a doctor. I feel like it’s fucked my mind up about what turns me on which makes me feel guilty and shameful.

And my body is scarred from what I did to cope with the emotional pain too (cut myself). I still struggle with this a bit. I feel like damaged goods and like no man will want me after they know what happened to me.

There are heaps of factors that go into the shame other than the normal ones, that dont even make sense. Like for example: being tall (179cm) now as an adult — in my mind as a child I learnt that being tall = being adult, and being adult = undesirable/worthless to men.

I get anxious about how I know I’m vulnerable because of what my mind does in intimate situations (fawn or freeze response) — But I’m also really lonely.

I know men want me based on my outward appearance but I always pull back from interactions because I’m convinced that if they saw me naked for a fling, they wouldn’t like my scars and height, or if they got to know me on dates, they wouldn’t like who I am on the inside and in the past. But does this mean my past will always dictate my future? Idk :(

Thank you for reading if you got this far