I need to vent. Sorry if it's a lot to read. My (now ex) partner (21, NB) and I (23, F) were having issues. We finally made the mature decision to admit things weren't working and ended things. I'm a mess. I can't stop crying. Yesterday I cried so much I got a really bad headache and even threw up a bit. I feel so numb without them, I don't know how to keep going, they were also my best friend. Three years is like forever and for that to just be over is just crazy I don't even know how to think about it. Everything I'm feeling is so confusing. With last time I ended a relationship, at the time I believed I had certain feelings for him, and he ended things when he realised he didn't feel the same way about me. It hurt, and I got over it eventually, and found my partner, and that relationship felt so much more special. But this time, I still love them and they said they still love me back. So why couldn't we make things work? We kept having issues and we just couldn't make it work despite the fact that we both still love each other. It's so confusing how we're both in love with each other and yet we can't manage to be together. I kept hurting them and disappointing them and not putting in as much effort as them. We're both on the autism spectrum which made it even harder and we had communication issues, mostly me not properly showing them how much I love and appreciate them. They didn't always believe me when I say I love them because I didn't make enough effort to show it with actions and show my appreciation for their actions. I wasn't good at maintaining the relationship and it wasn't fair to them. We both agreed that there's a chance it's not over forever, maybe someday once I've matured more I'll be better at handling a long term relationship. But also I can't keep thinking about that possibility, I gotta just find a way to work on myself and that maturing with come naturally with time and experiences I guess. People say "focus on yourself." I don't even really know what it means to do that. I don't even know how I'm supposed to celebrate Christmas in the next few days. If I could just skip ahead time to when the school year starts, then I could focus on my classes that I'm starting next year (I dropped out in the last year of high school because I fell behind as studying was really hard for me and now I'm going into a course that's basically the equivalent of the last year of school to get my certificate). Though now I'm a lot less motivated, I guess I imagined having my loving partner who would support me and who'd be proud of me when I pass my classes and would encourage me to keep at it. I guess friends can do that too. I don't know, I didn't have friends during the year I was in school, so I have no idea what friends are supposed to do to support me in my studies, because I had no support the first time I was in the last year of school. I'm just so used to having them to talk to about everything since they were also my best friend. A friend of mine said, "the fact that you know that you both love each other means that communicating and sorting out things that have been troubling the two of you can be a way of revolutionising some issues that you've been having. And it is something that can be rebuilt." I hope what my partner and I had can be rebuilt, but it still hurts now, and I need to ignore that possibility and focus on who I am, and maybe in the future we could love each other again, but I can't cling to that possibility, especially since I don't know how long it could take. If I cling to that possibility, then I'll always have that in the back of my mind, feeling like I'm improving myself just to become a better person worthy of being with them again, and I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. I need to improve myself for me, and if someday I find I've matured and we both feel I'm ready to handle a relationship again, then that's a bonus, but not the end goal to focus on. I can't stop crying, and that could be a problem if I randomly start crying at work in front of customers. I don't even know what I'm feeling or how to handle this mess of feelings. I also keep getting the urge to message them. Saying what, I'm not sure. "I love you," "I miss you," "I wish we hadn't made that decision to officially end things," "I wish we could have made it work." But none of that would help. In fact, if I'm to believe their words that this decision hurt them too and they still love me, then contacting them would probably just hurt them too. But I really miss them a lot already, because they were also like my best friend. I've never felt so close to anyone else ever. It sounds dumb to say "I don't know how to keep living my life without them," I should be able to live my life and be single, but it hurts, because I've gotten used to having them in my life, and I love them. Sorry that was so long. I just don't know what to do.