it’s about midnight and i’m going through my camera roll- looking at old home videos i made on my phone. then i find one of us joking around- doing one of our spontaneous bits for a solid 12 min. we clicked. it was otherworldly, and, many a time did i call it cosmic- so did you. we were completely intertwined at one point. at one point. i’ve never clicked with someone like that in my life. i’ve never been so madly in love, neither had you. i’ve dated so many people, fucked all around the board, but nothing was you. it still isn’t. after you, i dated one of the most successful filmmakers in the city- a 3 time emmy winning director and DP. i’ve fucked the famous men on tour, and anyone else i was remotely curious about l. i mesh with them. i don’t click. i try to, and can’t. our bridge has been burned, and, to be frank, everyone. fucking. hates. you.

sometimes i forget that you were ever abusive, but phrases that have exited your mouth have been seared into the tissues of my brain- along with the home videos- creating a cacophony of what has been and never will be. sometimes i go to bed wondering if i’ll ever have that again, if i’ll ever be loved in the kind ways you showed me. you told me no one will ever love me as well as you. sometimes, i believe it. sometimes, you were such a wonderful friend. i refuse to miss you, though.