It's going to be 3 months tomorrow since she blindsided me after a 3 year relationship where we lived together for just over 2 years. Every time I feel like it's getting better as I don't think of her as much or cry, it gets followed by a period of intense sadness where I weep. I am aware of what needs to be done, my mind is aware of what has happened and how to deal with it. When I have my sessions with my therapist I am so clear headed, yet when at home...when it's night time, I feel alone. My heart is feeling something else, and while I know I have to reconcile my mind with my heart, I feel like I'm no closer to it that I was 3 months ago.

I wish I were not so composed all the time during the day, I wish I'd just be at my therapist and cry instead of talking reasonably so that I let it out of the system at a safe space. It's so hard to get that feeling at any other time except for when I'm alone, and I feel that's the only time I am truly myself and allowing myself to feel the pain.

I'm not much of a cryer, but I wish I was as it'd feel more liberating and freeing, especially if I showed my true emotions to my therapist instead of talking about how I felt when these emotions came through when alone. But maybe it's the anti depressants doing their work, I don't really know to be honest.