This is a long one, sorry. I hope it will give those who have been blindsided some solace and insight into how it had nothing to do with you. If you’re a blindsider reading this, I hope this will give you insight into your behavior and actions you can take.

Note: I’m talking serious relationships where the blindside came completely from left field. I am not talking about casual or short term relationships where there is no significant attachment. I’m also not referring to abusive and narcissistic relationships as there are other dynamics at play (but there are some similarities)

[TLDR: Blindsiding comes from a maladaptive coping mechanism. People who end a serious relationship through blindsiding are acting out of subconscious fear and shame. This type of person typically lacks the capacity to self reflect and usually would need the help of a therapist to work through their issues in order to communicate in a healthy way. Being blindsided is one of the cruelest acts imaginable because of the long term ramifications that blindsiders never consider. If you have been blindsided, you will get through this and have more knowledge to choose better partners in the future.]

Using a blindside to end a serious relationship is incredibly callous and spineless. If you’ve been blindsided, you’re probably looking for answers and closure. You won’t get this from the blindsider as they most likely do not understand the drivers of their own behavior.

A blindside is a power play. It is a tool, used very intentionally by the blindsider to control a situation. Using a blindside to end a serious relationship, instead of discussing concerns during the relationship in a healthy way, shows massive emotional immaturity.

Underlying the blindsider’s need for control is fear. Fear of vulnerability (fear of commitment, rejection, failure all play into fear of vulnerability) and underneath this is shame. It is almost impossible for this type of person to be genuinely vulnerable because protecting the parts of themselves that hold the shame is an automatic process they have been doing their whole life. Shame is usually driven by a belief of not being good enough, probably formative from childhood, possibly trauma. Even for those who had “good” childhoods, if in their early years of life their caregivers couldn’t give them what they emotionally needed enough of the time, they internalized this. It impacts how they view themselves and it impacts how they attach romantically in adulthood.

Someone with a secure attachment style most likely wouldn’t blindside as they would be capable of raising issues during the relationship in a healthy way. It’s more an avoidant attachment behavior (the anxiously attached would be more likely to voice concerns in a maladaptive way). A blindside is a form of manipulation and it makes sense that an insecurely attached person would do this, because they can find it difficult/don’t know how to ask for what they need directly, instead using indirect or manipulative ways to get their needs met).

They probably have a pattern of lashing out and/or distancing when their shame is activated. They are probably sensitive to criticism and have passive-aggressive traits. They may be manipulative in other ways. It’s all shame-driven behavior. This is why they couldn’t recognize their feelings and open themselves up to having vulnerable discussions about their relationship doubts in a healthy way. This shame is so deep and locked up so tight they can’t contemplate looking inwards or questioning what drives their behaviors. Ironically, the reasons that these people would benefit from therapy are also what keeps most from going to therapy.

While all of this is going on internally and subconsciously for the blindsider, the focus is only on the short term. They ultimately want to control feelings that they are unable to understand or tolerate. There is also a “get them before they get me” coping mechanism, which compels them to act. This all happens very automatically and subconsciously. They won’t consider your feelings, they don’t have the emotional ability to truly empathize (if they did they wouldn’t be blindsiding you in the first place). This is only about their self protection.

They are unlikely to be able to have a meaningful conversation about their reasons for the blindside and even if they give you a bunch of reasons, these are not the true motivations, because most of what is driving the behavior is subconscious. The blindsider believes their reasons for the blindside are true, they will cling to all sorts of obscure reasons. They believe they are being honest and they believe their actions are justified. They may even believe they are being virtuous or brave. The reason it comes across as being dishonest is because it’s not the truth, however the blindsider has no insight or ability to understand their actual drivers. They see the blindside as the only option (it actually is a choice, because if you are a full grown adult your actions are always a choice).

That said, emotional inability does not EVER make harmful actions ok. Behaviors do not have to have malicious intent to be harmful. Toxic behavior often has its roots in maladaptive, protective mechanisms that happen subconsciously, which compels some people to act in harmful ways, in order to protect themselves, without ever identifying that their behavior is significantly harming those around them (including themselves).

Because the blindsider has little capacity for self reflection, they do not consider the real impact of their actions. Blindsiders want to protect themselves from shame in the short term and are not considering the long-term impacts of their behaviors on themselves (there is often remorse that comes later) or on the blindsidee.

A blindsided end to a serious relationship is one of the most profound forms of betrayal. It is a premeditated, intentional betrayal, intended to sever the relationship immediately and irreversibly and disallow any real discussion. It is is akin to adultery, actually worse in my opinion. Most relationships could never recover from a breach of trust so big (not without significant effort and therapy for both parties) and this is why reconciliation or friendship is not a realistic option most of the time after a blindside.

The cruelest part of blindsiding is not what it does to the blindsidee in the short term (yes, their trust in that person along with their heart are completely shattered, and that in itself is excruciating and takes a long time to recover from), but the long term impacts are the real kicker. A betrayal this big is life changing. This is what the blindsider never considers. They made a deliberate choice to betray and harm the person closest to them and that bell can’t be unrung.

We can learn from the experience. We learn how to select better partners, we learn how to be more resilient, we learn how to be vulnerable even though we never know what the future will bring, we still love anyway and that in itself makes us stronger. We can use our adversity to help us grow. But that doesn’t mean the adversity needed to happen in the first place. It is a loss of innocence in a way, where even in trusting relationships we go on to have in the future, we forever live with the knowledge of the harm that people are capable of causing to us. This is the deepest harm of blindsiding, because it changes us forever.

The worst injustice is that some people, for whatever reasons, may not have the ability, resources or bandwidth to go down a path of healing. They will live with permanent and preventable wounding that will interfere with their future relationships for a long time, or even a lifetime. How much potential joy and love might someone miss out on.

I think in reality a lot of us probably end up somewhere in the middle of these two paths. We grow and heal as best we can, but we still carry a degree of hurt and mistrust in our hearts, even when we love again.

Because of the typical profile of a blindsider, I highly doubt that many will read this, but if you have been in the position of blindsiding your (then) significant other: First of all, fuck you. Second, you need to reflect on the irreversible and life changing harm you caused another human through your actions. If you are in any way remorseful, develop your emotional skills so you can communicate in relationships in a healthy way. You need to do this in therapy with a professional as you most likely won’t have the skills to do it on your own.

If you are the blindsidee, I am sorry this happened to you. You can grow through this and go on to have good relationships. You have more information and discernment to choose a better partner in the future. Their blindsiding was never about you and wasn’t caused by you. Your justice is in the fact that the type of person who blindsides is not capable of the level of vulnerability, communication and secure love needed for a healthy relationship. Rest assured, they will not go on to have healthy relationships (even if it looks that way, they will bring maladaptive patterns to all their relationships if they don’t work on themselves in therapy). By you going on to genuinely love and trust others, you win. That is your justice, your truth and your closure.

——— Edit: Thanks for all the comments. I wanted to clarify a few things that came up:

1. Healing and growth means working on yourself. 100% the blindsider is responsible for their actions. But that shouldn’t absolve us of our responsibility to reflect on ourselves in a healthy way in order to heal. You are responsible for your feelings and the actions you take. Choose a path of growth. Consider your own attachment styles and how you might wish to heal them, because it is highly likely that those of us who stayed in these relationships have insecure attachment styles too.

2. I don’t want to give the impression that all avoidants (especially DAs) are bad and are going to blindside. I do think an avoidant who is showing active growth and healing could still be a good partner who becomes capable of secure love. I don’t think we should start dismissing them all, but what we can do is build skills to have discernment and protect our boundaries better when there are red flags, and become more secure in our own attachment and communication.