Going almost 4 months since the break up and almost 3 months of no contact. Time has flown. I feel that I have no memories of the past couple of months. Every day its the same routine; get up, breakfast, singing lessons, gym, and then work 8-9 hours and then back to bed. I barely have time to even watch T.v. Progress and results are very small and I just feel very defeated and depressed.

I tried giving myself some spice in my life by going on some dating apps, I’ve met some people but have hated the process of even talking to other girls and on top of that I’m always on the verge of trauma dumping everything to them. I bawl at the thought of receiving texts that are not from my Ex and my emotions are currently on a roller coast. I feel so horrible right now.

I’m even more upset because I was feeling really good for a couple of weeks. Some days I didn’t even have the urge to cry and I would have moments where I would not think of my ex 10 minutes at a time! These little victories were amazing to me and signs that i was moving and accepting what had happened between us.

But then came the big punch. She has a new boyfriend. I had known she had started casually dating right from the jump but had expressed on her Twitter that she was just so exhausted with fuckboys and that she was upset with the dating scene in general. But something about her dating someone new while I’m over here struggling with the idea of talking to other girls kills me. I am very much aware that I am in no way ready to even consider dating anyone and probably won’t be for a very long time. But here she goes and does this with no remorse and hesitation. She’s a fucked up individual that needs a whole lot self evaluation. But she is so avoidant that she will never dare accept any accountability of her actions.

I hate that I thought so well of her for so long and I feel like such a fool. Thinking she was special, smart, unique, and intelligent. I thought she was kind, loving, and just overall a good person. But I fell for her act and lied to myself that she was all these great thing although there were so many signs that she was not the girl I had believed her to be.

I hate crying over her, I feel like such an idiot. I hate that I’m still upset of being out of such an abusive relationship. I should be joyous and grateful but I’m not. I’m depressed and hopeless and defeated.