So I m(18) at the time was with a woman f(18) at the time and it was beyond perfect from the beginning. We met by chance and immediately clicked. One of those just started talking for hours about anything and everything and loved every second of it never wanting it to end. We did that many times without ever running out of truly meaningful conversations and witty banter. We were on the same level in every aspect of that statement and connected so effortlessly it blew my mind. We were friends to begin with and best friends and then we had a relationship after about a month or two of really getting to know one another. She was the first woman that made me wait for anything and me having been a self admitted f*** boy in most of high school before that had zero issues with this surprisingly and was fine if physicality wasn’t even a part of it ever because we vibed so well on a mental and emotional level like I never thought possible. It did get physical eventually when she was comfortable with it and it started very slow which I was more than fine with I was her first everything with any guy. I didn’t want to take that for granted and wanted to make sure whatever happened was on her terms and was genuinely wanted and mutual from her end. For the first 1.5 years it was so amazingly smooth and beautiful to just be with and around her no matter what whether it be sad times or happy or angry and I wanted nothing more than to be there for her and be with her through all of it. She was amazing while I went through boot camp for the Marine Corps sending me at least one long and meaningful letter every single day. She was amazing though all of my training afterwards as well and so supportive and loving always. Once I had finished and was back in the area being in the Reserves, it picked right back up where it all began, but I was different. We went to college and I joined a fraternity (yeah I know lol great choice) and was in a very dark and depressed place and dove into the bottom of every bottle I could and smoked every bit of weed I could get my hands on. For the last little over a year of the relationship I took advantage of her kindness and love without intending to but shrouded in insecurity, selfishness, emotional neglect, and the ever so dangerous complacency, I was too caught up and clueless to see who I was and how I was at that time and what I was doing to her emotionally and to her self worth. I was there but I wasn’t really there and I hate myself daily for what I put her through when all she wanted was to love me and for me to show her the love she deserved from me and to be the guy she fell for and that fell so head over heels for her. I drank myself out of the corps and out of college and she STILL was there for me every step of the way. I ruined my relationship with my family and was kicked out of the house and locks were changed and she gave me a place to live with her and her mother. I was so ungrateful and stuck in a victim mentality and eventually after mending with my family I moved back with them after finally slowly realizing what I had done and was doing to her this whole time. Needless to say she shortly after broke up with me (as she so much needed to) and we attempted to remain friends and were still physical with each other until one day she completely went no contact with me (again as was absolutely in her best interest as well as mine). Three years have passed and I have grown and realized my mistakes. I am now 23 and she is 23 as well. We met a few days ago to talk and I was able to truly apologize for everything and say what I needed to and happily listened as she spoke her own truth and it was amazing. We immediately clicked again and it was like no time had passed by. I can’t begin to express the level of pride, appreciation, and admiration I have for her as a person and such a genuine and amazing soul. I told her I would so much love nothing more than to be her friend and to be there for her any time she needed me for anything she needed me for however big or small. She told me she wanted some time to think and sleep on it and to please leave it be until she has made her decision and let me know what she feels is best for her at this time and what she is comfortable with. I was extremely understanding of that and wished her the absolute best in everything she does either way she decided and that I would respect her wishes no matter what or how hard because it is not about me at all. She is talking to another guy and had not told him that her and I were meeting up to talk and I just asked her to please just let him know so there were no issues between them for any reason because of me in any way (which hurt very much and was so hard to say). She hasn’t had a response yet and it may be a while but I will not push or be impatient at all with her on it out of respect. I hope she is willing to be friends and I can have my best friend back and show her the stupid little boy that she saw the last half of our relationship is dead and gone and be there for her and be a part of each other’s lives. It hurts so so much every day and I cannot sleep and haven’t been eating much if at all in a day. I will always hold so so much love in my heart and soul for this woman but fear it may be too late and that she may just want me to never be a part of her life in even the smallest capacity ever again (which I deserve and completely understand) I’m so confused within myself at the moment and so hopeful, scared, relieved, conflicted, lost, clear headed, and none of it makes sense while all of it does at the same time. If you read to the end thank you for your time and I do apologize for the length, this was a very long time coming and there’s still so much more too it. Have a great rest of your day!