I’m sure my previous, previous ex is anxiously awaiting the results of his meddling. I haven’t been able to talk about this publicly yet. It’s been a week and we’re(newest ex) still “fb official”. Because I’m not ready to let my former abuser have the satisfaction. I dated someone for four years who heavily sexually abused me. I was in a state of disassociation for years after being forced to sleep with people I wasn’t attracted to. Please don’t say I should have just left. My need to hang on to love stems from a broken family and I didn’t realize this until much later. Anyway, when I was with my ex, two other women made a statement about him being a rapist. I tried to stick by his side and help him, why, I don’t know. I love too hard. Right after him, I was with another very abusive person. Both of them made me go to sex parties. After the second guy finally hurt me to the point that I was afraid for my life, he went to jail. I decided to be single, but I went into a state of hypersexuality. I guess I was trying to regain my power, but it was really just a trauma response. Being single was great. I loved it. I even bought myself a promise ring to remind me to put myself first. I was casually seeing a few guys, just for fun. One of them decided he wanted to date for real. He seemed so perfect. And he really was. He had the patience to let me heal and get through my trauma responses. We never really fought. Every day was magical and sweet. We were in the midst of planning our one year anniversary. I felt strong and whole, aside from the nagging fact that I once stuck with a rapist, helped him lie to a whole bunch of people about what he had done, and there was a risk someone else could get hurt if I didn’t speak up. I shared my abuse story with about 100 people in a fb post. Only those who I’d lied to. His band kicked him out and he got banned from a lot of places (we met in a music scene). To get revenge, he sent my new ex pictures from when he abused me. Explicit pictures. And video. The shock was too much. My new ex couldn’t handle what he saw and he broke up with me. I don’t blame him. My ex was into some sick shit. New ex and I got drunk together, had one last night of fun. We spent the day cuddling and crying, telling each other the cute things we would miss. I’ve never experienced a healthy break up. He’s being so sweet. He went on vacation with his best friend to heal up. I’m learning to live for myself again. I felt pretty happy. Until he got robbed on his trip. That sent me into a whole new spiral of fucked up. In a panic, we both thought it would be a good idea for me to fly out and bring him money and back up identification. I tangled with that all day. In the end, the airport said he can fly without ID and he’s working to cancel his cards and get new ones. I can’t even tell if I’m disappointed or relieved. Maybe I just miss him.