TDLR: I had a fairy tale relationship but it ended 2 years later due to me being very insecure and toxic.

The beginning.

many years ago I met a girl when I was about 8 or 9 at school, knew here and there, then when high school came around after a while I kind of drifted into her friend group, after about a year we were the closest of friends and on our way to being more, when high school ended we ended up going to the same college.

we went to a friends birthday party, I have really bad social anxiety but I went anyways cause I didn't want her going home alone at night, as the party went on I became very very overwhelmed at the amount of people, and she left with me early, when we was waiting for a bus to take us home, I walked away for about a minute or two and cried from how overwhelmed I was, when I went back I sorta played it off and kept talking as nothing had happened, on the bus ride home things were sorta quiet but I was filling the silence, when we got off the bus it was time for us to go separate ways, as I turned around after saying goodbye, she grabbed my arm, swung me back around and just hugged me for a solid 2 minutes, she is very timid when it came to relationships and such so It was the first time she had ever hugged me, this was the start of something amazing.

The Middle.

around 2 weeks later we went on a trip to see an old friend at the beech, when we were there it was like we were inseparable, as day turned to night, we went up onto a hill overlooking the seaside town and the clear night sky, chilling and staring at the moon, I dont know why but she (literally) jumped into my arms enough that I had to swing her a full 360 just to not fall over.

when we went back to our friends place, we found a corned and just sorta chatted and watched vine/meme compilations for like 2 hours, at one point I had my arm around her and out of no where she held my hand, and then let go like 3 seconds from nervousness after she realised what she did (which was super cute) so I ended up picking up her hand myself which she seemed to enjoy, as the night went on further, we started spooning and eventually fell asleep next to each other, that ended up being the best night of my life.

when we got back from the trip, we met up and went on top of a parking complex, we just sorta sat there and hugged for literally 4 hours and chatted and chilled.

The beginning of the end.

all things considered before I started my decline, I think I was an amazing partner, I would care for her, I would surprise her with snacks from the local bakery, we would laugh, share in each others interests, watch memes, hug her tight when she was stressed, comforted her when she was sad.

as the year got on we got closer but as relationships do, they go out of the honeymoon phase and levels out, there some problems arose but generally could be dealt with, but there was still one problem... we hadn't actually kissed or anything, she was so timid that it was a difficult subject, but obviously I respected that and wanted to wait for when she was ready, but even then at the time I was young and I started to get really insecure about myself, ranging from was I "worthy" to am I "good enough" and just generally going downhill.

as I got worse I was so insecure I would start arguments for no reason and I would be manipulative, generally really really toxic and just not fun to be around, so many arguments just cause I was so insecure and more and more becoming the type of person I despised, I hated myself, and I hated the things I would say out of anger and insecurity, this went on about a year. she didn't deserve any of it, she was perfect and I couldn't handle my own problems, I tried talking to her saying I needed a break to sort myself out but she didn't want me to go, I didn't know how to communicate and reassure her it really was temporary, so I never could without ruining it all.

The End.

As time went on idk why but she started wanting to take things further between us, out of nowhere, but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to do it, I couldn't even bring myself to kiss her which was something I wanted more than anything, a few weeks of this back and fourth goes on and its just not going anywhere, at this point I was so insecure, so unconfident and so messed up I just couldn't take it further. around this time we had a massive argument, which I ended up starting, a week later after a lot of mess and confusion, she broke up with me.

the thing about me is I am very good at telling how things generally pan out, I have always had good intuition about that sorta stuff, before the argument, when I realised I was going down hill, I could see the end, I knew where it was going and in the attempt to stop it from happening I made it happen. I went full Anakin sky walker. in an attempt to not loose someone I loved, I started the chain of events that led to it. at this point I had such a self hatred that it was unequalled, I genuinely despised myself for hurting, emotionally abusing someone I loved.

what happened after?

I was a total mess, due to the whole situation I had lost all my friends, everyone hated me and it was hard to go to college, I tried doing what people said, "keep my chin up" and constantly hearing you'll be fine. in college class rooms I would have panic attacks and have to constantly step outside, mentally I was depressed, constantly anxious. Around this time I started to have suicidal thoughts, had them before, but these were different. things got worse before they ever came close to getting better, I never had the money for therapy or to get help so I had to fix myself, I had to fix where I went wrong.

a couple of months went by and I was massively depressed still, it came up to my 18th birthday which is seen as a big birthday, on this day I was very down as I had no one, then through social circles it got back to me that she had said that she wasted 2 years of her life on me. that night, sat alone in my room, I did not know if I would end it all that night or if I would make it through. it was the hardest night of my life and I do not know how I made it through it, I shouldn't of, so much pain, regret and hate, I dont know how I didn't. but that night did change me.

after months of researching I started to learn about why my behaviour before was toxic and where I went wrong, when it all happened I didn't even know what insecurities were.

around this time I started university, I was thinking maybe new start, but no matter what I did I just could not connect with anyone, no matter what, I had become that weird kid in the back of the class. after 6 months I ended up quitting uni cause of depression/anxiety and my grades were so bad I wasn't going to get a pass let alone a distinction. leaving university was a good decision in the long run as by this point I didn't know what job I wanted or what I loved doing, I didn't know what I wanted to study or anything. but I did make some progress, I knew that I didn't know...

few months later I got a job working in a warehouse, a lot of heavy lifting and it was tough but I pushed through it and I lost a lot of weight and generally mentally I was getting there, I was very quiet, when I started the work was so tiring the people who worked there didn't think I was coming back the next day, but I kept coming back. somehow out of all of this i became a very ambitious person who was pushed forward by people thinking I couldn't do it. cause I was earning money I was buying nice clothes so I was no longer scruffy, cause I was socialising with people for once I started to re learn how to be social or the confidence to be so. but at this point I wasn't still quite happy. after 5 months working the job I felt a lot better, still some insecurities but better.

then covid hit, lost the job and as we was in lock down I gained weight again, which is a couple steps back but during that covid lockdown I found to be a lot more independent, and I was really able to work on myself mentally.

Right now.

right now, I would say I am in a very good mental state, I am 1000x tougher than was I was 4 ish years ago when it started, but despite some small relationships along the way, I genuinely believe I wasted my one chance at not being alone forever, nothing can compare and I dont think I could love anyone again as much as I loved her.

I still hate that I allowed myself to hurt someone I loved more than myself, and it may be a while till I get over that, but from what I have heard is that she is happy now, she is living her life to the fullest and doing well, which is what she deserves, today is her 21st birthday and from the bottom of my heart I hope she will have an amazing day.

Conclusion.

It is confirmed that she more than likely hates my guts which is perfectly understandable, part of me wishes I could get that closure, or somehow redeem myself, but realistically it wont happen, and probably shouldn't, she is happy, me bringing it all back up to her would make her sad/angry and that would be selfish of me.

I have worked insanely hard to eliminate the problems I have and maybe one day I will meet someone again.

hopefully soon I will be moving away from my local area, chances are I will never see her again or hear about her again. which is maybe what I need to fully move on, but, no matter how many years or decades I have left on this earth, I wont ever forget the good times we had with each other. and maybe one day I will be able to live with the bad.