we'd broken up about 7 times, but our last one was in early March, when i initiated a no contact and, unlike past attempts, didn't allow myself to break it.

it's funny how, after each and every breakup, he seemed to have another woman lined up, ready for the taking. this time was no different, i thought. how wrong i was- cue COVID.

because i can only imagine the intensity, ferocity with which they quarantined together- my ex and i had gotten the codependency game down cold, and he was always at his best when we were stagnating on the couch together, downing one beer after another.

flash forward to August, and their social media is a flurry of love reacts. he's made art projects, gone to protests, made a twitter and a goodreads account, after vehemently refusing to do any of this while we were together. her picture is on his best friends fridge- she smiles beatifically, his arm over her shoulders, as he grins for the camera with his two best friends alongside. I've known those guys for two years, and it took all of six months for her to replace me. i guess i never had a spot in that picture after all. especially after all the horrible things he's said about me to them.

and i wonder if, someday he'll ever trash her name, like he did mine... speak about her like he's spoken about me, about Pa, about Pr, and every other girl he's broken up with. I never did notice that when I was with him, just another red flag that I missed. I know I have to stop lurking on their socials, but it's a little hit of dopamine, every time I see another evidence of love bombing. And I know I'm desperately trying to find evidence that they're about to break up, when everything points to the fact that they're happy together. It makes me sick, and that, in turn, makes me sicker- how I still care, whether they'll last.

I feel better every time I recognize that this was, in a sense, my choice as well. It felt like he took everything from me, and in my poor emotional/mental state I was way too eager to internalize those horrible things he said about me. In learning to re-tell the story of our breakup, even if it was just to myself...I took back some of my agency. and I know this was for the best. I've genuinely been working on myself, and I'm in a much better place in so many different ways.

But the negative self talk's got me stuck in the past. Every time I see her, I can't help but compare her to myself- she made it into med school while I'm taking yet another gap year. She's tall and white- I'm short and brown (my height was something he'd often make fun of). Do they upload their photos onto a shared google drive, too? He made me feel so burdensome (while I agree that my depression had an effect on him as well) and I wonder if he'd support her if she was going through rough times- and I wonder if we could've lasted had I been healthier. I wonder if she's popular; he always found a way to convince me that I had no friends, especially when he wanted to persuade me to come to his friends' binge drinking 'parties' instead...I wonder if she genuinely enjoys these parties. I wonder if he's respectful to her or acknowledges her at these parties.

I'd just like some help with figuring out why, and how, he's changed himself so drastically for her...in six months. Why wasn't I worth it to him? That's the part that hurts the most. A part of me feels like I'm completely undeserving of love, and that this is all my fault.

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PS- yes, I know I need to block them. This isn't what I need to hear right now- I will do it when I'm ready, so please don't make me more miserable with this unsolicited advice.