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It's been 6 months. I've mostly moved on, but an apology for how you treated me will still be nice
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...but I know I'll probably never get it. I know your sense of self worth, your self-esteem, your ego, might not be strong enough to handle it. I know an apology for you will be so hard, because after how your ex treated you, it'll be really really hard to accept that perhaps you acted in a similar selfish fashion as him.

It hurts because you've been through so much pain yourself, and I thought you'd moved on and healed from it, but it's clear that you still haven't dealt with your trauma, because no-one that's been hurt as much as you claimed you were, would hurt someone they loved like you did. And not apologise for it.

It hurts because when I started acting like I was going to lose you, you gaslighted me into thinking I was reacting based on childhood abandonment from my Dad, that I couldn't keep acting like the people I love and who love me will leave me. Guess what you did 2 months later? I was going to go to therapy because of what you said. But you were just defending your ego.

It hurts because even after what you did you still played games so that I would be the one that came running to you, after you dumped me. Packing all my stuff but withholding the critical clothing items I needed for a wedding you knew I was going to. Hearing from our mutual friend that if you wanted to talk to me, you couldn't expect me to come to you, not after what you did....and then reaching out to me and still not apologising but saying "I guess if you want to talk, we should talk". Making it clear you only wanted some validation, to see me beg for you after you dumped me in the cruel fashion you did.

You couldn't even bring yourself to apologise for asking me to not come on the holiday TWO DAYS BEFORE it was due to begin. The one you knew I'd been looking forward to, that I'd spent my meagre funds on buying a flight for, after I couldn't go on the two other holidays we'd planned that year because I was job hunting.

It hurts because when I asked during that call where you asked me not to come if you wanted to breakup, you said not necessarily, and then snapped at me. Then you came back from holiday and dumped me.

It hurts because you couldn't even apologise, but wanted to pay me back for my flight, as if money could make up for the hurt you caused. Money which I knew meant little to you because you'd suddenly come into a financial windfall.

It hurts because when I got my job, the job you'd seen me struggle for 3 months to get, to which I kept apologising for being broke because of a lack of and I'd promised to make it all up to you when I got one, you couldn't even congratulate me. You couldn't even use that as an olive branch to reach out to me. Instead you probably hid behind the excuse of "I'm respecting his boundaries". I know you knew, because you were stalking my Instagram stories around that time.

But...luckily, after time, I've been able to build up my self-esteem enough to move on for the both of us. To apologise to myself on your behalf. To let go of the hurt you caused me, the disrespect you showed, the clear lack of care you displayed. The lack of simple human decency I know you're capable of, because I saw it in you the almost 2 years we knew each other.

I hope nobody emotionally betrays you the way you betrayed me. You've been physically betrayed before, but I don't think that has a candle on what you did. I really really hope that if you reach out to me, it's because you've recovered from whatever is going on with you, and not because somebody hurt you and it grants perspective. I know I sound like I'm wishing it, and there are times I did, but I genuinely don't. I really don't wish what you did to me on anyone else. Breakups hurt, but being treated with a lack of basic mutual respect hurts more.

I've moved on.

But...an apology would still be nice.

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Posted
4 years ago