I'm fine. I tell myself this every day. I'm fine, I tell my friends when they ask me how I'm doing. I'm fine, I write on a page.

But I'm not. On occasion, I really open up to the people closest to me, the select few that I told about my breakup so that I would have support. But I dont want to drag them down in my pain and struggle. The truth is, I'm drowning behind the mask I put up. The mask I wear so that I can fool myself and others around me that it's ok. But I'm only drowning sometimes. Right now is that time. The tears I feel, backing up and filling the space between the mask I wear and the person inside, creep towards my mouth and nose. Slowly getting to the point I can't breath anymore. That's when I open the mouth of my mask.

Opening my mouth let's all the tears out. Let's all the thoughts that dammed the exit to my mind.

I'm not ok. I want you back in my life. You left me. Not because of a fight or a big problem, you left me because emotions are fickle. You left me because you didn't feel the way you thought you should at the point we were at. But you had never dated someone as long as we had. You didn't know what it felt like to be with someone longer than a honeymoon phase.

I do. I know what it feels like, I dated someone fkr nearly 3 years and I can promise you, thoses feelings of butterflies and excitement that you get when your phone buzzes and it is your boyfriend don't last all the time. They settle down. Become a deep hiring passion. Like hot coals in a fire they aren't exciting,crackling, and flaming all the time, but they can be kicked up for a hot time of passion. Sometimes they flicker and spark, those are the times when they do something that just makes your day.

You asked me to try to send you something steamy or different every morning. If I'm honest, some days it was harder to come up with something exciting than others. But I tried. And you know why? Because I loved you. I still do, but we havent talked in two weeks, I don't know what's going on in your life. I logged out of Instagram and we don't text or snap each other.

I don't think you understood what it meant to love someone. It's not about some emotion that comes and goes like the tide, but caring about someone so much you just want to make them happy and do what you can do make them feel that way.

I told you I loved you once while we were dating and you asked me what I ment by it. I tried to explain it but did a bad job. I love you means, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to fight with you, it's not you vs me, it's us verse life. Shit happens, you get upset, lose direction, don't feel... Anything ... But when I said I love you I was saying I chose you. No mater what would come out way, I would chose you. You said you felt like you would have to have been through something with someone to say I love you, but I think you are wrong. You go though something with someone because you love them.

I'm on the edge of tears here. I desperately want to here your voice, feel your hand on my neck or your fingers playing with my veins. I want to ticket you and wrestle you to the couch to pull you on top of me and hold you, head on my chest. I want to hug you again and feel your face burried where my shoulder meets my neck. I want to hear you breath in... Me.... I want to be sitting on your couch looking at you with a smile on my face while you sing the walrus song by the Beatles... I want to lose my mind with you during finals and watch you write "you are really weird" in big letters across the whiteboard.... I want to do the dishes for you again, while you have friends over, and hear them say as they leave, "I approve!". I want to feel you come up behind me and hug me from behind and hear you say, thank you for washing the dishes.

I want to see you ride again, your world champion and it amazes me that I know someone who reached the top of their feild....

It going to be hard sitting in class with you. I miss you more than anything, but I know I can't change it. You broke up with me. I didn't want to, I wanted to work with you and see what we could do. I'm not done with us, I don't think God is done with us. I pray you take this time and reflect and grow. Something needs to change and I'd like us to figure it out together. I want to start new. I don't want our old relationship back because something didn't work.

Please... Call me.sometime. (I doubt you are on Reddit, so this was more for me...)