Messy break up. Manipulation. She fucked my closest friend. I stayed like a fool. Couldn't take it. She broke me, crushed my morals and self worth. I seeked validation and affection. I tried to stop, I tried to talk to her. She pushed me away when I tried to pull her closer, and we flipped when I was too broken. I proposed knowing that I'd have to live with the guilt of what I did after she told me the "truth" We were happy, we planned a life together.

It all came crashing down after she kept going back to snoop through my phone searching for a reason to quit. I was too damaged to see how it was going to end for me. I told myself that she'll forgive me for love I came back to her and she was the only love I had.

A year of snooping, I met a friend about a year ago. It was hard for me to trust him give the last time I trusted someone who I thought was worthy. I made effort to open up to communicate but I couldn't tell her about the guilt.

She found out of course.

Ran to my closest friend, ended the 8 years of relationship 2 of which were engaged..

...And proceeded to fuck him too.

How the fuck am I meant to trust when time and time again I'm broken, hurt, beaten to a lesser form of my past self then shattered.

I'm not proud of what I did but I couldnt see anyway forward without putting myself down after she isolated me from my friends, shut me down, belittled me and left me out to dry...

I wanted to be happy with her and now she's moved on, happy with him and I'm whatever is left of me and discarded.

Anyone recommend some self help/ self love books, I don't know how I'm going to do this solo but I don't want to let anyone in. I need to be secure and strong for myself before I even open myself to anyone IRL