Since this 9 year relationship ended just over a month ago, I just haven't felt myself. A lot of the mental and physical pain has gone away, but I just can't seem to win.

I'm going through A LOT right now, so much that it was too much for the girl that really did love me and even she walked away after 9 years. Long story short, I was hit head-on on my way home from work and nearly lost my life. It's been hell on earth since. Pain every single day, for a year and a half can and will change who you are if you let it.

Now, financially, I'm taking a hard hit. I have pretty much maxed out every credit card and after waiting a year on a disability claim I was denied the other day only adding more stress to my already mountain of stress. It's times like this I wish I still had Shell here bc I need somebody right now. I spent a very long time getting my credit to where it's at, only to have to turn around and possibly file bankruptcy because of course I've had to live on credit cards.

I feel like being single would be a lot funner when your life is together and you don't have as much stress going on compared to somebody like me, whose life was sidelined over somebody else's stupid decision, whose life is so out of place that I can't even think about having anybody else right now in my life. I don't even have that person there anymore, for their perspective, and words on encouragement anymore.

I hate breakups, but in a way, I'm just glad she doesn't have to hear me talk about my 2400 in bills that are coming up this month when I'm basically broke. I feel like she got out at the right time, but damnit man, sure would be nice to have her there for some extra guidance. I swear I've never been able to win at life. This breakup has been hard, but everything im being handed in life, makes it so much more difficult.

Anyways, I'm done ranting. Time to spend another evening of filling out applications and sending in resumes for jobs that I'll never get for lack of experience 😂 I hope everybody is doing well. Hang in there, bc it can be worse, trust me.