I want to preface this by saying that if you have anything bad to say to me, don't say it at all.

I was unfaithful to my partner back in December and 2 months ago I couldn't take it anymore and told my now ex. He was so hurt he broke up with me. I am full of guilt. I usually use listening music to help cope and express emotion. I searched for so long to find something.

My first one was Daylight by David Kusher. Which yes, I did relate to a lot. Being a religious and although it's not explicitly about being unfaithful but it came close.

While listening to random songs, one song came up: "One Last Time" by Aranda Grande.

I will just list some lines that hit hard:

"I was a liar, I gave into the fire/I knew I should have fought it, at least I'm being honest." It just hits because that's what I did. I confessed to my ex I cheated and how I gave into the temptation of cheating.

"I should have done you better, because you don't want a liar." What do I even say here? It just perfect of how I understand why my ex doesn't want me.

"I don't deserve it, I know I don't deserve it/ but stay with me, I swear I'll make it worth it" I want to stay with my ex. I want to talk to them one more time. Just clear up some things. Tell him how I feel. How much he did for me and how much I should have done better and show him how much I've grown since we last talked.

"I know, I know, I know, she gives you everything and boy I couldn't give it to you." Although to my knowledge, my ex isn't dating anyone right now, I know that I couldn't give what they needed to them because I lied to them and betrayed them. I should have been their forever, I should have been a person who was there for them. I should have been their best friend.

"One more time, I promise after that I'll let you go." Naturally, I have had a hard time saying goodbye and letting him go. He was so much to me and it fucking sucks I didn't realize that until it was too late. And I wish I could talk to him one more time and clear everything and hopefully end on better terms and get proper closure for this. I think it make me feel better.

I spent about an hour crying because the song as a whole just sums up everything how I feel. I am doing better now, but saying goodbye is always hard. Especially someone who has taught me so much. I hope that he still sees me in some positive light. That he will not remember me as a traitor. But I understand if he does. I can't control how he thinks because I have no longer a seat at that table but I just am a worrier. I still care about him.