I don't know if what I did was even healthy at all. But I had to do it, to sabotage us, to make us turn against each other, to forever kill a chance of talking again. We were going back and forth for 8 months. We never dated, but he confessed that he liked me, then pushed me away due to his avoidance issue, then came back, to push me away again. His life is too chaotic, mine is in the early stage, he didn't want to ruin it. He wanted us to stay friends (fuck friends-iykyk) because he would rather see me marry someone else than lose me to a bad fight. My friends said that he just lied and used me, that's how terrible men are. But idk, when I looked into his eyes, I could see the love in there, I could feel the love in his kisses. Or maybe I was delusional lol. Fast forward, I pushed him away two weeks ago, for the second time, and a couple days later, we agreed to no contact in peace. But my emotional dumbass decided to break the rules by sending emails cursing him (yup, curse) and confessed my love. I intentionally did that to dump the overloaded emotion away, because I couldn't take it. I wanted to end the cycle, of ending in peace then either one of us would reach out again to continue the toxic ride. He fought back, we fought and it turned ugly and now we hate each other. Well, he hates me. I hated him for a bit but I stopped because hate didn't help the pain go away, nor help me moving on. But well, in the end, I fucked it up. I removed him and myself from each other's lives. We swear to never talk again. Was I wrong for cursing him? Yup, I was. But the emotional burden he put on me in the past few months was a million times worse than my emails, at least that's what I think so...

TL:Dr: I fucked everything up to make him hate me, to move on easier. It still feels like a punch in the chest every other minute tho. But it's much better than before I screw up.