June 11th

I thought in depth what I would say to you in this letter, and it has taken me all over a month that and start I was going to say. You ending our relationship was probably the most loving thing you've ever done for me, because for nearly a year I had begged you to communicate with me and open up. I remember on our way back from your parents house on Father's Day, I had expressed you that I felt more like a personal assistant than your boyfriend. That I did not feel connected to you and I do not feel loved and or appreciated.

That night you cried, and we made love, but then I returned back to normal. Normal. What was that Father's Day weekend as I was sad because I didn't have Sonny and you didn't even notice, and when you did notice all you did was apologize for not noticing and you never stepped up and loved me deeply. I spent the last year in this relationship by myself, and more often than not that left me feeling broken and empty in thoughts of feeling neglected swirled me every single day.

But I was determined to create and Foster a safe atmosphere for you to heal because I thought if I loved you hard enough and long enough and didn't say anything that you would open up to me and you, the woman that I had met back in February who had spent weeks on working on a Bible for me and gave me a guitar would come back to me. But she never did, I don't even know if that version of you was real, because all I had had experience for the past year essentially was distance, coldness, a lack of empathy and a lack of care and a lack of affection. And I had express on multiple different occasions what it would take for me to feel loved and You barely responded to any of it. And none of it became routine or habit, and that left me feeling absolutely diminished, and lonely.

On various different occasions you could have shown me love in ways that would have really showed that you cared, for Christmas. What you got me didn't really show much other than you were kind of. Just checking stuff off the list to get me things so I wouldn't use your stuff. One way of meeting. A real need to show that you cared about my safety and my comfort would have been getting me a pair of winter gloves which you knew I did not have. As to why you failed to understand that I don't take good care of myself, because I think I'm tough enough to survive is beyond me. Just because I will make due doesn't mean I want to

The way you did not show up for my birthday absolutely devastated me, and at the end of the day instead of you trying to make it up for me it ended with you crying and me having to comfort you about how you didn't show up for my birthday. That was unfair.

Between Christmas and your birthday I spent over $1,000 on you, not to mention the money that I raised for Gigi. I had shown up for you consistently as best as I could for such a long time.

And all I wanted was for you. Love me back, in a way that showed that you cared and when you vanished after covid, I felt so alone. I've written various different pieces of poetry about how alone I felt because you were gone. You live together but you were gone. .

And I wanted you to write in the journal because I wanted some kind of proof that you still loved me. Something for me to cling to because you don't express affection or emotions. You bought a will to identify your emotions because you don't feel them.

And I felt like I could create that space for you to heal and work through trauma, and work on bettering yourself and getting in touch with your emotions and all of those things. So create a safe place for that. But you never let me in, you never talk to me about how your emotions were changing, you never talked to me about what I could do different. We never talked, and when I would try to talk to you you would shut down and you wouldn't look at me. At one point in our relationship I realized that you had gone weeks if not months without eye contact with me. Do you have any idea what that does to a person to not be able to look into the eyes of the person that they love?

And what makes me so angry about it is that I miss you. Despite how small you made me on a regular basis, I miss you. Despite how much you've hurt me. I miss you. And there's some kind of masochistic part of me that wants to reconcile cuz loving you's been hell. I've been by myself and I've been with you and I was less lonely when I was alone, then when I slept in a bed next to you for a year, because at least then I didn't have the expectation for someone else to hug me and kiss me and hold my hand and then being thoroughly rejected day in and day out. But for whatever reason. I miss you.

When you said you didn't love me anymore didn't come as a surprise, because the way you treated me as we were getting ready to separate. I don't know who you are, but I regret getting to meet you. To clarify, I don't regret dating you, or loving you, or being in a relationship for as long as we did, but I regret meeting whoever that was after you ended our relationship

It's now 2 months after that entry. We're 90 days past the end.

You bought me these tickets to a convention. That were non-transferable and non-refundable and you refuse to make sure I got them for my birthday. You bought them for my birthday was the only thing you did for my birthday. And now that it's over, you are withholding love even after the fact. Because you, for some whatever reason are the most malicious and emotionally manipulative and damaging person I have ever met in my entire life.

I despise you. For all the manipulation. All the lies. The betrayal the absolutely just destitute of morality that you possess.

I hope you read this, and understand you will never get to come back into my life. And I hope that causes you endless grief. I hope that you you lose sleep for the rest of your life that what you've done to me. Haunts you for all of eternative.

But it won't. Because no one that has a heart could do what you've done to me. I struggle with wanting to express emotions to people, because of how you beat me down. I feel like it's too much to want to be excited to talk to someone because of how you treated me on a regular basis. I want to apologize for asking for presence.

Did you know that stonewalling has the exact same effect as beating on someone neurochemically? So for the majority of our relationship you abused me. I don't understand how you could stay with someone who did horrific things to you, and then you turn around and just abuse me.

May God forgive my unforgiveness but I hate you.