i was the dumper. i don’t know where it came from. i broke up 3 months in because it felt fast. i’m a deeply unstable, and insecure person. they are stable, college educated, have a cool job, and i’m just floating by life working dead end jobs. they are so fucking smart, they read for a living. they write poetry, they wrote for me.

i broke up with them to “focus on myself”, which was truthful because i had just gotten out of two back to back relationships. the first one being abusive. i broke up with them on christmas eve. (they brought the conversation up because noticed i took “friends only” off my dating profile. they had a dating profile still up for friends and i had it in my head that it was for more. and i felt like a naive simp all over again) but, since it was brought up, i admitted my feelings and how i didn’t feel like i was ready for a relationship. we weren’t official yet, just “situationship status”, but it was definitely leaning into serious territory.

they took space after the breakup. i had started befriending the non abusive ex again while we were still together, because i had no friends or support system at home. they knew we were friends and trusted us to hang out together. i genuinely had no desire to be involved with this ex romantically or sexually. i could tell this ex was interested in more via body language, but i didn’t respond to it and blocked it out. they tried to cuddle me once and i inched away.

but when the person i had just broken up with took space, in my head, that meant they were ghosting me. it crushed me. the abusive ex always took space and would disappear for weeks out of nowhere, until eventually they never came back. and they usually ghosted when i didn’t want to have sex or if i cried after. it felt like that all over again, like i didn’t have any worth as a human being or friend, just a source of romantic and sexual attention. rationally i know that isn’t true, but in the moment it felt like betrayal.

so i got drunk and leaned into my ex’s flirtiness, we had sex. i didn’t even want to, i did admittedly want to cuddle and be held. but i always feel like i have to have sex to get those things.

then after, we agreed to be fwb. because we knew that we didn’t have feelings for eachother or want relationships.

3 weeks later, my ex i had just broken up with delivers on the promise and actually checks back in. we talk and catch up and it’s going well. they invite me to a concert in the city. we talk about the possibility of fwb but i tell them that’s something we would have to talk about and feel out in person.

then a day or 2 later, they tell me, that they met a “flirty friend” at work and may pursue something with them. they “just wanted to let me know”. i took the opportunity to tell them what i have been avoiding telling them. i told them that the ex they had trusted to be my friend, is now my fwb.

they get incredibly upset. novels detailing how upset they are ensue. they tell me they don’t want me in their life anymore. i’m removed on most of social media. they ask for the things they had given me back. i tried to listen and be understanding and apologize when they were sending all these texts, but i honestly just got overwhelmed and couldn’t handle the guilt. they wanted me to apologize for sleeping with my ex. in the moment, i felt like the choices i made after we were together while we weren’t speaking didn’t call for an apology and it felt controlling to being cornered into giving one when i apologized for everything else. i didn’t say the controlling part, but i didn’t give the apology and i just shut down and said i can’t do this. i did agree to meet them and give their things back though.

they add very angry heartbreak songs to the playlist they made me when we were together. i found a personal blog they have, and they write about me and how much i hurt them. (not naming me but i know it’s about me)

i finally broke and reached out asking to send them a letter a few days ago and they said yes.

i genuinely feel so guilty about everything and wasn’t expecting this reaction towards it. i’ve always been the dumpee, it didn’t even occur to me that anyone could be this hurt by me. which is silly and thoughtless, but i’ve always had to fight tooth and nail for anyone to stay. i thought they’d get over me quickly. i feel so shitty, and just like the same people that have hurt me. i’m sending a letter because i remember when i was in that position i just wanted them to acknowledge the hurt they caused. i just wanted closure. so with their consent, im going to try to give them what i craved.

i do really miss them and don’t know if i can repair the damage ive done or bring them any comfort. and overall i don’t regret the breakup because i really am not a healthy person to be with right now, but i regret how i handled it and the coldness i have afterwards. i never wanted to be strangers with this person. i do genuinely care about them. i don’t want to hurt them anymore though. but i can’t stand this avoidance.