Apologies for length, I’m really just venting right now lol.

Tl;dr: How do I (22M) move on from a relationship (22F) that meant everything to me, especially since it was my fault it ended? I can’t help but dwell on my mistakes and cling to the future, even though I know that is helping nothing. I want to work to get her back, but I know in the long run that doesn’t help me so much as working on myself and moving on does, and accepting she’ll either come back or not.

My gf (22F) just broke up with me (22M) yesterday, ending our 3-year relationship. The context of what happened is extremely long, so I’ll give a cliff notes version (I’ll put the full context at the end of the post for those interested I guess). Basically though, we tried a break for the last 3 weeks. The break had no expectations, no timelines, literally just a time for me to work on myself without burdening her. We had a scheduled check in yesterday where she decided she wants to break up. What it stemmed from was her feeling fundamentally misunderstood, and as a result frustrated and resentment had built (for the last year and a half). This was basically caused by my lack of emotional tolerance, i.e. I have a low tolerance for things that can upset me, so when something does I don’t know how to process it correctly and it manifests in frustration and anger. This caused many fights over the past year and a half, and basically an ultimatum was made that I need to go to therapy. I ended up starting therapy last month and have made many breakthroughs, though there’s still a lot of progress to be made, but too little too late I guess because we ended up having a big fight again a few weeks ago which stemmed from low tolerance and that’s what caused our initial break. Yesterday during our check in she realized because of the resentment and dissonance that’s built over time she doesn’t really see things going back to a sense of normalcy, and she thought a breakup would be best. We agreed maybe things would be different if I did therapy the first time she asked, or even couples therapy, but there’s no point in dwelling on the past. Long story short I essentially let her go.

In the breakup, I said that no contact would probably be best for me to heal, but she urges against it. We weren’t NC during the break, and she says something similar where we occasionally checkin to make sure we’re fine, ask questions if urgent, etc., but otherwise don’t communicate could be better. She says she doesn’t think NC serves the purpose I think it does and knowing me personally is just a way for me to suppress emotions and pretend like it’s healing. She says that the way we healed each other’s perspective of love, and the love itself we had for each other is something special, and that can never be taken away from either of us. She thinks she respects me enough as a person to compartmentalize those feelings and still heal without cutting each other off and reducing our love. The breakup is basically what she asked for at first before we agreed to the break initially: a pause on our relationship so I can work on myself and she can heal, without underlying expectations and waiting ("I'm single" vs "Im waiting on my boyfriend").

Also, even though she’s not moving to NYC with me anymore, she asked if I still want to take her cat with me. She says because her living situation next year (her lease ends) is getting messed up, and I am really the only person she trusts with her cat, that it would be really helpful if I did. Also she thought it would be nice for me because she knows how much I love her cat and how lonely I’ll probably be after the move (which is true). She said that this is still a breakup, but if it makes me feel any better I will see her again and we can checkin in July when she brings me her cat.

So, we are officially broken up, and she and I don’t know what the future holds. She said if even at all, maybe we’d try again, but it’d have to be a minimum of 6 months from now and would require a lot of work on my own end. I know that’s not something I should be holding onto at all, but it really does give me some type of solace. How do you deal with a breakup like this knowing it’s your fault? I know I shouldn’t beat myself up for it, but it’s really hard not to. If it means anything, she said she will most likely not be seeing someone else for a minute given how much our relationship meant, which I guess makes me feel better? I literally feel so much pain inside that I don’t know what to do with myself. We literally talked about marriage, life after graduation, everything. She was supposed to move in with me for a little bit. I feel a little better right now, but I think I’m one small thing from breaking down. For it to end like this basically all because of me guts me inside. Any advice is welcome.

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Additional Context (from before we started the initial break):

We have been in a relationship for approximately 3 years, each year 50/50 long distance and together. We go to separate colleges.

Background on me (22M). I have unresolved past trauma with therapists that is a big reason I have not gone to therapy since. Sometimes I can be a little bit confrontational to downright aggressive, especially if alcohol is involved. So in August of 2022, someone catcalled my girlfriend. I immediately started getting upset and talking shit back to him telling him to apologize. My (22F) girlfriend asked me to just drop it, and in the process i pushed her out the way to continue getting in the guys face. I fully know this was my ego taking over, and at that point it wasn't even about her it was myself and my pride and ego. Because of this, we had an argument where the first time it was brought up that I need to go to therapy to resolve some of my internal issues and emotional regulation, etc. Gf has been to therapy since she was 13. Every now and then, we'd have a similar conversation/argument (usually triggered by some topic or another) which would always lead to I need to go to therapy because she cannot hold the weight of two people's emotions alone. Her main point is that she feels frustrated and misunderstood, and it feels like she's carrying both of our weights emotionally. It's been building resentment and she doesn't know how long she can do this. A big thing is I say I'm trying, I'm trying to heal, to deal, etc. but she'll say "so what do I do in the meantime? Just wait? It feels unfair for me to wait while my needs are still not being met"

Fast forward to last week, we got into an argument on facetime, and an ultimatum was basically given that she literally cannot do this anymore. I scheduled therapy immediately. She said later that it feels like only because an ultimatum was given and I finally realized it was serious that I went to therapy. I don't think that's true, it just took a lot for me to finally pull the trigger on it because of past trauma and it was a very difficult thing to do. Maybe its both?

Last night both of us were drunk at mardi gras with friends. An old lady bumped into me, and she started to insult me. I wasn't necessarily being aggressive, I was just making blunt comments back like "watch where you're walking then." she then proceeds to ask me (im asian, my gf is white) "where are you from because maybe you should go back there." this really upset me, and i just doubled down on the blunt comments trying to keep my cool. my gf tried to defuse, and in the midst of my upsetness i lashed at her verbally. I basically said you get to be upset about xyz, but i dont, etc etc, and how she doesn't get it because of the race thing. She says she didn't know and if i told her about the racism she wouldn't have been on me to cool down, but in the same note racism or not that doesn't justify me lashing out verbally on her. this fight honestly felt like the straw that broke the camels back in just reinforcing the cycles that we have been talking about.

after the parades, she was supposed to come back to my place to spend the night. instead, she decided to stay with her friends. she told me shed still spend the night tonight with me, but this morning said she'd actually prefer not to and would come get her stuff. then she said actually her friend would come get her stuff for her, so i haven't seen her since our fight last night. this morning she wouldn't really respond to texts, and wouldn't pick up the phone. she's expressed and i understand she needs space, but i dont know how to deal with this. she went back out today with friends to parades and i was essentially uninvited because she wants to can it for later. its been 10 hours and i've just been waiting for her to text me, literally checking my phone every few minutes. we plan to talk tomorrow at least. she says however she doesn't really know what we're talking about since everything has already been said and laid out over and over again, basically implying tomorrows conversation is a breakup. to put lightly i am extremely devastated right now, especially since all of this is my fault. I really just want to reach out to her right now, but i want to respect her space.

A big thing we've talked about is this just might be a misalignment of our core values, an incompatibility. and that really breaks my heart that it wasn't something else like cheating, etc, but just incompatibility. I think where there's love left im forever willing to try and continue to put in effort, but she says how can she even tell effort is being put in besides a leap of faith and waiting.

After agreeing to break, I did extensive journaling every day and went to weekly therapy, which has helped me a lot in building an emotional tolerance and actually addressing the emotional baggage I hold. However, to her it still feels like we’re on two different emotional paths right now, and even though I think I can get there it’s unfair right now for her to have to wait for something that should be a prerequisite to a relationship. Basically this is a core incompatibility, and maybe one day it would be compatible, but right now it’s not and it’s not fair to hold on.