She left the country 1.5 years ago, didn't say a word. No arguments, no talk. Just got up and left. Not seen her, or spoken to her since. Weeks/months before she left she was so kind and attentive to me. She always said, if she does anything then it's never because of me but because of things she herself is going through. She had a tough time with psychosis and depression and I took care of her for 2.5 years. Paid all bills, did all chores, took her to hospital despite getting little to no support from her. While we were living together, emotionally she became distant over time, year 2 was the hardest, but the months before she left she had started to grow close again, apologised to me for pushing me away (which I forgave her for) and become intimate with me again, right up until the week before she left. I suspected that she didn't know she was going to leave so abruptly either, and didn't know if she was coming back or not.

I thought if she got better, she'll be like her old self. But there really was no way for her to get better without leaving for her home country and being with her family...that much I knew. What I didn't know was that she'd leave without a goodbye, and leaving the country permanently or atleast for a good few years.

I will actually be visiting her home country this year with a friend and I'll only be 30 mins away from her city.

While I am now at a point where I am looking for new relationships and finding other people attractive. There're these unresolved feelings that weigh me down like an anchor and despite 1 years of therapy, this is the one thing I can't shake off.

All I want is to meet her once, look into her eyes and ask her..."What was I to you?" Then tell her that I miss her, that I still have feelings for her (always will), and it's ok for us to not be together if that means we get the best lives for both of us. Hug her and spend a few hours with her and then say goodbye. And if possible just stay in touch so that we can be happy knowing the other person is doing well. I know part of her would feel guilty about how she handled me, but I also know she compartmentalises. Shed rather forget the 3 years with me as that was a different time, in a different country, with a different language. It just feels so far away from present for her now. But for me I can't ignore those years as those years have profoundly affected me.

I know where she'll be in her home town, but I don't think I have it in me to just show up unannounced, even if it would be justified to just seek some answers given how she left. I want to let her know in advance about my arrival, in hope that it opens a dialogue, but I don't know how best to reach her. I wish I could speak to her mum and pass a message through, but she doesn't speak English.