And in 11 days it's mine. It's the 2nd one where she won't be here. I had the urge to message her again, especially seeing as how I'm gonna be in her home country in few months with a friend, only 30 mins away. To see if we could get in touch and talk again, so that when I go I could visit her and we can have a proper goodbye (Haven't spoken to her since the day she left 1.5 years ago, eventhough we lived together for 2 years).

But I didn't message her, not because I had the strength...but because I just feel so defeated. I know the more likely outcome is that she sees the message and just ignores it.

At the same time, it doesn't hurt as much anymore. But again I feel it's more like scars developing on wounds rather than the wound healing without a mark. I don't miss her any less, just that missing her is part of life now and I try to get on with it.

I wonder if it'll always be like that, given how it ended where I never got any answers and until the day she left I thought we were going to get married once things improved with her mental health. Yet here I am, almost 1.5 years later with no contact, no proper way to even reach out to her, and zero information on how shes been since she doesn't post anything on social media.

It sucks that I'm the only one who seems to acknowledge that our relationship exists, and even when we lived together I had to change my life to adjust and accommodate her, and basically live it around her illness.