It’s been four months NC and I saw her today when I was driving, she was with her dad driving somewhere. I’m not devastated but it just makes me sad to see her, like it would with most people here.

And regardless of seeing her, I still think about her at least once every hour, but most of the time it’s still every minute. I’ve been improving since we last spoke but I feel like I’ve plateaued and I still just miss what we had, but really thinking about it, I don’t even know what it was. My brain remembers the feeling of being with her and the joy that it brought, but I don’t know who this person is now, and I really long to know her again.

There are things I want to apologize for, things that I want to get mad at her for, things that I want to get sad at her for. I hate that I still feel like this, I hate that she’s gone, and even if she came back with an interest in me, I do not trust her and I would not know what to say, or to feel happy or sad. And I still can say that I want to call her up right now to tell her how much I miss her! I just don’t get it, I can’t explain it.