Surely I cannot be the only person who feels this way. Occasionally my fancy is taken by someone who excites me briefly, but when the spark fades, my mind goes back to the only person who actually loved me as a person rather than a concept. It's easy to believe "moving on" can be done when things are fresh, new, exciting. But when the curtains fall and I'm on my own again, my mind always retreats to the past. The times where I felt grounded. At ease. Content. Inevitably, those were the times where me and my ex were together. It's been six months since things ended and although it doesn't hurt anymore, it still feels like he's permanently imprinted on my mind. Like a stick-and-poke tattoo you forget you've got, but then you catch yourself in the mirror and say "oh, fuck, yeah. That old thing".

I've decided that coming into the New Year, I'm going to try to be the person I was before I met him. Since the break-up, I've been aimless, ambitionless and solitary, which makes me feel like I was better off when we were together. But I was still someone before we were together, wasn't I? I need to remember what it feels like to be someone without needing external validation. But it's hard not to crave external validation when every day feels like a hazy selection of greys, everything tastes like static fuzz and all I can hear is white noise. I was always depressed, but experiencing what it was like to meet my kindred soul in this world and then having that torn away from me - God, I'd have much rather never met him at all. Everything feels emptier in comparison. I can deal with it. With each passing day, the love in my body becomes less intent. It rears its head less frequently. And yet, I feel like I will spend the rest of my days quietly comparing my past and present. Knowing what could've been, but wasn't.