We split the day before Thanksgiving. Most of it is my fault influenced by alcohol. I was never abusive physically and mentally I didn't start being a piece of shit until the split and the last week. The whole week and a half I've been self destructing. Last night was my first night without alcohol and I also didn't sleep at all even after taking 2 melatonin. I'm really sad obviously. I ruined what I thought was perfect. But here's the thing. She keeps telling me she needs a break. Than it's better to learn how to be an individual again and she needs to work on herself. My thing is, isn't that what a relationship is, where you confront something you want to change and have each other as support? I kept bringing it up, but it's because it's fact, I stopped drinking once for her, if she had vocalized or I hadn't been caught in this rut, maybe I would have done it without being told to again. Better late than never I guess. Anyway, not 40 minutes ago we spoke and she still said it's a break, well talk around new years, I went to drop some important things of hers (passport,ss card, etc,) about 20 minutes after getting off the phone because everything she's saying doesn't sound like she even cares at all anymore. She wasn't wearing the ring I got her, that killed me. But it did show me that obviously I'm putting too much faith into a dead horse.

I'd be lying if I said our time together wasn't the best time of my life. But I guess it wasn't all she claimed it to be. I've made a lot of sacrifices for this relationship none of which i ever made a big deal about.I waited a very long time to meet her after my ex and I split but I guess I'm the only one who really needs to work on themselves and it's healthier to do that alone. The thing is man, I really opened up to her and I thought she had to me. I thought we were our people. We both come from fucked up stock and history, but she claimed noone ever loved her like I did. Funny thing is, my ex said all the same stuff and did me pretty damn similar. For reference we met through mutual friends who have reached out once to see if I was ok, we lived together until the day before Thanksgiving at which time I became homeless again. So no support system, homeless which is great for trying to even just exist let alone make a serious life change or two. And for some reason she can't show an ounce of remorse or give a damn for someone she professed her love to like a broken record. Idk man. I had to get this out and I'm sure I'll write a whole lot more before I'm even close to ok. I need to go find my happiness again and never compromise it's integrity for another person. People are not worth it.

Also one last thing, we went and got a kitten together a few months back and guess who got to keep him too. Like shit man atleast if I had him I wouldn't be totally alone, granted a van in winter is no place to raise a cat. But I'm all alone here and I still fail to see why we were building this life if there were such issues that could never be brought up. I'm heartbroken. Alone. And I still have an hour and a half before I can clock in. This sucks. I'm sorry everyone. I feel your pain , idk what else to say but it did get better for me once, idk if I'll give anyone the chance to make me feel this way again.