I've been out of an extremely toxic long-term relationship for almost a year now.

I broke up with her because I became terrified of her in the last few months we were dating. She had lashed out at me emotionally and physically a few times and eventually I couldn't keep giving her second chances.

I broke up with her over text, let her come back to my place and clean her stuff out, and then I didn't see her again for a month or two. I called her an abuser. I was angry about how she had hurt me and when we talked all I did was lash out. It took months for me to start calming down, but the bridge had been burned by then.

It took a while but I started to realize and accept that the things she had done were the consequence of outside circumstances & stresses in our lives, as well as some fundamental incompatibilities that appeared in the relationship as both of us matured. I accepted how much of her behavior was caused by me being immature and just not able to handle a serious relationship at the time. We briefly reconnected last summer, I forgave her and got the closure I needed. We talked occasionally as acquaintances for about a month and then I decided I needed no-contact. I ghosted her and we haven't interacted since.

Even though in my mind there's no way to rebuild that connection we had, I still find myself missing her and the life we had every couple of weeks. I catch myself fantasizing about being back in our old apartment and playing Animal Crossing while watching something random on YouTube. I think about how nice it'd be to be curled up on the couch with her again, or how nice it'd be to call her on the way home from work or how comfortable it would be to go back to never sleeping alone.

It doesn't matter that I'm unreasonably afraid of her, or that she's afraid of me. It doesn't matter that we weren't attracted to each other anymore because we had both changed so much. It doesn't matter that we had fallen out of love a month before the breakup and it doesn't matter that we were codependent and horrible for each other. She used to say I was her soulmate but realistically we are in no way meant to be.

Despite that, all day I've been hoping she texts me and asks if I want to try and fix things. I've been wanting that life with her back and the security we had. I've been asking myself what I'd do if I could go back to a year ago as the person I am now and do everything over again. I've been thinking about how much I miss all of our little routines, our chemistry, and how much we knew about each other. 2 months ago I thought I had moved on, but today I'm fantasizing about loving someone that I'm terrified to be in the same room with.

I would love some advice on how to navigate these feelings and what-ifs. I feel like I did everything right- no-contact, new hobbies, new friends, new life even, but this is still living in my head.