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I feel so torn. I just exited a 5 year relationship where she was my reason for waking up in the morning, working hard at work, coming home everyday, etc. We did EVERYTHING together, from showers to music festivals. Now that shes gone, I'm not sure where to go from here. I just recently started school for something I don't even really care that much about, I just want a nice paycheck every 2 weeks so I can do shit that I want. I'm not particularly bright, or funny, or into very many things. The hobbies I do have are simply that.. hobbies. Something I sort of enjoy to pass the time until it's time for bed.
I went to a music festival this past weekend and I thought being around friends that I love would fill me back up and ease the pain and remind me how whole I can be without her, but it did the opposite. I missed watching her dance. I missed talking to her tripping balls. I missed going to the shops with her and buying each other cute gifts. I missed moseying back to the tent and cuddling up onto each other until the sun came up. Everything feels so empty without her.
I feel like I'm losing my mind because I don't know what to live for anymore. I've tried getting into new things, meeting new people, learning new topics, and everything feels empty without her. I'm so scared that my life will always feel hollow without hearing her laugh beside me. I'm scared I'll never feel that fire I felt whenever she would touch me. I'm fucking terrified that I'll never feel as loved again.
She seems so happy being alone. She seems so content living her little life and doing her own thing without me. She told me it's been hard for her too but I don't think she understands how grey life has become for me since this has happened. I wish I could go back in time and shake the shit out of myself and tell him to appreciate this time as much as he possibly can and to never wrong this woman. Flirt with her, kiss her tightly, take more pictures of her. One day it'll all be gone and you'll wonder if the last 5 years even happened.
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