A lot of things lead to our breakup.

At first, it was him trying to make a very very very long list of excuses trying to defend statutory, and knowing how he switches positions or will pretend like he's changed his mindset to keep me around, his whole "I promise I do not hold those mindsets and never have, I've never looked at someone younger in that way either, I swear on the life of me and my family" thing still hasn't swayed me. (Or it almost did, but luckily my friends have given me enough staredowns and "dude is a pedo and just wants to keep you" talks for me to not forget that.)

Then other things came to mind.

I had a rebound; it was.... complicated. But out of it, it made me realize a few things.

I realized that I had lost myself in that year long relationship.

Like, I stopped wearing what I wanted to before I met them (goth/alt/cottagecore stuff) and started wearing what I thought they'd like and notice the best. I would be annoyed telling him about passion projects and getting side eyed. They'd never take mental stuff with me seriously. They belittled me when I slowed my walking before, thinking I saw an estranged dangerous family member in public, and refused to temporarily hush even for 10 seconds if it meant not being seen or harmed.

And, yellow to red flags aside.... It felt like every conversation had been the same. Every day, we talked. And I always knew what they were doing. A slow day at work, video games, or YouTube. There was.... nothing happening.

I realized that he was subtly manipulative. The type to hear me say "I'll watch the first episode of that lengthy anime you watch if you wake up earlier than me one day", since he knew I hated spending time at his place just to spend most of the day either alone with absolutely nothing to do in his practically deserted, isolated AND expensive city, or to be bored to sleep by the time he gets up....then he had proceeded to never change his habit of 4am to 4pm sleep cycles, then whined that I didn't wanna watch it with him. His guilt tripping worked, and we ended up starting the show together. But did change happen? No.

He was never great at listening to me. I could say "The theater is six blocks down and on the left", and he'd cross one single crosswalk five seconds later, then immediately walk to the right like "Oh it's this here?" I'd probably do The Most for him, but he couldn't even do a five second phone call if it meant it could help me out. I had to Google or look up things for him, even if he had two free hands, a laptop and a phone. He'd just always expect me to do it.

He'd complain about his life quality then do absolutely nothing to change it. Complain about feeling boring compared to his siblings or other people, but still never go out, not do much but the same two things every day, and on and on... Complain about his dead end job but never look for another one, complain about living with his family and paying such high rent just to still have so many limitations but never work on that shit. And of course, my dumbass offering any sort of help, or motivation, or anything seemed to get written off as nagging.

Not to mention not standing up for me when his family was being openly disrespectful, too.

And the fact that it took him between 6 to 12 months to actually bother taking care of his personal hygiene. He got offended if i recoiled from a kiss absentmindedly, instead of realizing he should go brush his teeth.

We even had a phone call last night and he had the nerve to pull the "I already know that I'm uninteresting and unloveable" card, and pretending I didnt love him throughout everything. Which pissed me off beyond words. He got verbally reamed out for trying that with me.

I know that we're not gonna be friends if there's no chance of me getting back together with him. Frankly, fuck it. That would make him no different than any fuckbuddy I've had, he's just some guy who desires my attention or body or whatever benefits I give, and can't reciprocate.

It hurts so bad. It does. But he should've made change sooner. He's fishing for pity but I kept trying so hard. So hard. Before realizing that I was always trying! I was. And he wasn't. He'd continue never trying if I stayed with him.

I'm kind of glad we had the talk about his weird pedo-defense shit, since it was a very large thing that caused a domino effect, that took me from "I like how things are going, I think!" to "Geez, even this rebound who barely likes me gives a damn about my mental state, likes my quirky fashion, and is probably 10x more honest with me than my ex was."

Also, no more rebounds. I'm trying to end my streak of crying or having chest pains over people. Focusing on myself. Like, gaming, and clothes and massages and stuff that makes me feel nice and comfortable by myself, with no validation from others. Lol.