Backstory: my ex fiance and I had been together for four years. We met both fresh out of relationships, me healed from mine but he wasn't. In the beginning things were hot and heavy and we had sex quickly. Shortly after that he said we were moving too fast and he needed space. Fast forward a week or two later he's asking to move in with me because he has no place else to go and is being kicked out of his roommates place. We move in together, things are great. We had to learn a lot about how to live with each other. I said I love you first, he didn't. I get sick and end up in the hospital, this is when he chooses to say it. Doesn't make me his girlfriend until 2 months into the relationship.

Every single step of the way, I've felt like I was leading the relationship. I wanted to get married, have kids, etc. He didn't even know what he wanted to do in life besides his career. His goals included fitness and nutrition and health, mine included family, stability, and financial goals. There were so many differences but we tried to make it work. I know in the beginning I love bombed and was clingy but this was something I tried very hard to work on. Fast forward a few months in, less than a year, I catch him messaging FILTHY things to other women. I admittedly slapped him, I broke it off, I cried. He talks to me, tells me he's sorry, says he was weak and it won't happen again but it does. Two years later he falls back into the same pattern. Hiding things, messaging other girls, distancing himself from me. I think I'm the problem and give him some leeway in the relationship to keep him happy.

We open the relationship/try polyamory. I go on one date, talk to a few guys but nothing happens, have one threesome with my fiance and his friend. I still want him at the end of everything. He has no luck for a little while, we argue about it, we break up again. During our breakup he holds it against me that I slept with a couple. We get back together after a bunch of talking and arguing. He wants to sleep with the wife and we have an almost threesome. A little while later they don't want to pursue things anymore and ex gets jealous that "I did more than him." We go back to an open relationship/being poly. He talks to a bunch of girls, we have a foursome that i had to initiate because the girl was more attracted to me,he meets another girl and they are now boyfriend/girlfriend, goes out with her on multiple occasions. Sleeps with her on multiple occasions, breaks my rule about not coming inside of her, says it was an accident, my anxiety is killing me, I can't be open/poly anymore. He gets mad, saying I'm so insecure and I'm ruing everything for them. My heart breaks. We are together for a little while longer and I catch him messaging other girls again after we explicitly closed the relationship and I told him I hated that he did that. I end things for good this time.

Not even one month into our latest breakup, he's messaging other girls. He's just spent the night hooking up with one after I BEGGED HIM not to. He's been gone for ages, I haven't slept and when I do I'm having nightmares of the two of them. Why wasn't I good enough? I gave him every single thing he wanted, was there for him through so much, tried to be everything he wanted and he just moves on without a care in the world? Without any ounce of remorse for the pain he's put me through? He says he still loves me but we don't work, I know we don't work but I am miserable. I've been crying on and off for hours. Maybe slept an hour or two at most I'm total. And the worst part? We still live together, with his family. I have no car, no money, no friends to move in with. My family is 300 miles away and can't take me in. I have no options to leave. I have nothing. I've hit rock bottom. I'm lonely, angry, resentful, and extremely depressed. Any words of kindness or advice are greatly appreciated.