Throwaway account cause my dom knows my main one. Also sorry in advance for the long post, it’s been a lot and I want to make sure I give all of the context.

Some context: My dom has been my dom for about six months (a little less as my official dom), it’s long distance but we’ve been in person together once and it was the best time ever.

We very briefly dated but he’s poly and has a partner who said it was okay for us to date but then revoked it, which is fine, I get it. But I was still fucking devastated. But he was still my dom and he really helped me through that because neither of us wanted to breakup but I understand he had to because his partner was really struggling with it and they’ve been together way longer.

This was about a month or so ago and ever since then, he’s been getting more and more distant. At first he was sick for two or so weeks so would leave for one to three days at a time which made me really worried. When he was on, he was there very very little and inconsistently.

The week after he was better, he was extremely busy with finals so couldn’t talk much.

Both of those I totally understand, despite still being a bit upset he would just dip for a few days. I didn’t do a few of my rules because I felt like I was bothering him and ended up telling him which got me a few different punishments (none that were too too serious) that lasted about two weeks each.

I was patient throughout everything despite being worried about him constantly when he was sick, and my own shit going on, I was completely understanding.

But after, I told him basically that I was feeling shitty because I’m always the one that says I love you first, I’m always the one that brings up any part of our dynamic first, and the fact that I’m doing a two week long punishment without any sort of aftercare or barley even saying any positive reinforcements.

He said he understood all that and that he should’ve been better about it. But now he’s not sick, he doesn’t have the stuff that he was busy with before going on. Yet nothing has changed.

I don’t get what his excuse is because he is still going a day or a few days without saying anything and I asked him if he still wants to be my dom and he said, Yes, I think. Which I know how that sounds. But I genuinely love him so much so I want to work this out.

Nothing changed that first time after communicating, so I reiterated it. Nothing changed. I said we need to talk again. He said sorry, busy at work, will call later. (We’ve also literally called once in the last month.)

While this seems like the same situation again, there is a very key detail that made me really fucking upset. Last time we talked, he was still looking for a job. He never told me he got one. We’re not the type of d/s dynamic that keeps it completely separate from life. He tells me stuff, I tell him stuff, that’s how we’ve always been. So to know that he got a job and didn’t even think to tell me really hurts. I want to be someone that he tells stuff too, I want to be able to celebrate that with him.

After he said that, I asked what do you mean “job”? And he said that they just got new shipments in. I told him that he didn’t tell me that he got a new job.

He didn’t respond but I sent him a really long paragraph telling him how I feel and like I feel like he doesn’t see me as his sub and just some guy he hooked up with and that it feels like his feelings changed. (Very early in our dynamic I had him promise that he would tell me right away if he lost feelings for me because I had an abusive ex that I have ptsd from that was my first “dom” who just strung me along even though he didn’t like me anymore and then just completely ghosted me) He said what he said before and that he’s glad I said something and that it’s mostly just been that he’s been busy and sick but now that I mention it his feelings may have changed a little. (At this point I had stopped my punishment rules and he said nothing, which as any sub knows, feels like shit)

I asked him if he wanted to be my dom and he didn’t respond until the next day. He said Yes, I think I do. Not the most convincing answer, I know. We sent a few more messages back and forth then he was gone again completely the next day. Then yesterday, I had a really huge event yesterday that I’ve been preparing for weeks and he didn’t text me all day.

I texted him last night telling him we need to talk and have a conversation, and not just a few messages. No reaponse. I called him later. No response. Later that night, after I was asleep, he texted me saying that he agrees we need to talk but he probably won’t be able to give it the time it deserves until Monday because he’s really busy. I just texted back “okay”.

And now I’m here.

Here are a few other things that happened that I didn’t know where to add to the timeline: A lot of his texts, primarily in the last month are very spaced apart so it’s extremely hard to have an actual conversation with him.

Im bust too. I was preparing non stop for the event I had plus my actual job for the last two weeks and I still managed to text him and communicate with him. Also during my job where I’m on my feet for eight hours and get home past nine, I still made sure to do all of my punishments and talked to him if he was there.

I really try to be understanding about him being busy, but he doesn’t ever tell me beforehand that he has something that’s happening and he’s not gonna be there. He also never tells me after what he was busy with. He used to but he doesn’t anymore.

Right before he got sick, I got my tonsils taken out. It was so fucking bad, I’ve had four surgeries and it was by far the worst one. He wasn’t there when I was checking in and texted him. He wasn’t there right before surgery. And he wasn’t there after, despite me requesting him to send me messages that I could wake up to. He texted me later that day a little bit, but barely. Then he got sick a couple days later so I was left alone for pretty much my entire recovery. And I will say, he was very sick, and it sucked. Which is why I was really worried about him and checking in even when he wasn’t online. However, he barely asked me how my recovery was. Like I get not being online much while you’re sick because you’re really groggy and just overall not thinking straight. But I was recovering from surgery and In pain.

This last week, so after he was done with the thing that was making it so he was barely online, I got sick. It wasn’t severe, just a cold, but I am a huge germaphobe due to ocd and have a really bad fear of getting sick. On top of that, I had to work through it nonstop getting ready for the event I had. I got a two messages (on one day, not separate) saying that he hopes I feel better soon. That was only right after I told him that I was sick. Not once checking in on me after that about how I was doing.

Typing it out makes me realize how bad it all sounds but I still want to at least try and make it work if he will put in any effort to show he cares. I know it seems stupid but he really is an incredible dom when he’s there. I’m also a trans guy and it is so fucking difficult to find guys that actually see me as a man and not just as a fetish. The amount of guys that hit on me that would never flirt with a cis guy makes me super uncomfortable so to find someone who genuinely sees me as a man and not just as a tomboy they can fuck around with was really amazing. It is so hard to find your place in kink communities as a gay trans guy because the gay bdsm community can be really transphobic a lot of the time. (That is an entire other topic that is way too complex to get into on this already too long post) He is also super respectful of my boundaries and extremely patient with me. I have a lot of trauma from an abusive relationship and he was the first person I have had sex with since my ex and he made me feel so safe and protected. His sense of humor and mine are really similar which is really important to me and so are our kinks and limits.

I feel like losing him is almost just giving up and I don’t think I can do that. I want to try to make something work but I can’t if he just doesn’t put in the effort. I wouldn’t be so upset if he would just say that his feelings have completely changed, but he hasn’t said that. He said they changed a little and he still wants to be my dom. Which I’m clinging onto despite feeling like it’s doomed to fail. I’d still be really really fucking upset because again, despite all of this, he’s a good dom. But I don’t think this feeling is much better.

If you read this whole thing, wow you have a long attention span, and also thanks for letting me vent about this. Any advice is appreciated.