struggling with some new, confusing feelings

i’ve never felt ashamed about how i feel but I’m noticing that because of my bratty nature (teasing people, banter, riling them up), i give the impression that i dont want affection. it’s sad because that’s so far from the truth - GIVE IT ALL TO ME. Also because I’m a mega brat, i’m assuming it’s hard to give affection, maybe it’s like hugging a hedgehog?

Anyway, because of this, i feel the need to “request” affection but that makes me feel gross. I don’t wanna be a bother so I’ve tried to be more of a “good girl” but shiiiiiiiit it’s hard. every time i feel the need to ask for some affection or warmth, i just feel weak. and ashamed. Thoughts consist of: Why ask for something that should be given willingly? Why ask someone for something i could be giving myself?

any tips on how i can ask for affection without wanting to crawl into a hole? or even to willingly receive affection without a personality overhaul?

i’ve never done / felt something like this before, im used to affection being freely given