and it might have been for the better… but i’m still heartbroken?

the straw that broke the camels back was being called a bigot (i showed every message to a few friends, who all say that i am not), but also? this person attempted to force me into ed and sh recovery when i’m not even close to ready for that, at the threat of the relationship. this often resulted in starving or cutting out of spite. for a lot of our friendship/relationship, i was expected to accommodate for him, while receiving little in return (we both have several mh disorders, incl bpd). we had good times, fewer and fewer as time went on.

i love him so much, and i don’t know if i did the right thing or not. i think i did, but i’m hurting a lot? this is one of the first times i cut off someone (vs them on me) that i still am capable of loving. i turn off my feelings a lot, but i can’t for him. i wish i could.

additionally, cutting him off means i have nowhere to live in the next few weeks. i thought about that, but honestly? i don’t know how much i care like. i’m nearly 18, and i’ve been planning on killing myself since i was 12. my plans had temporarily changed, but with him gone, they’re back.

i just feel really odd.