I'm 31 now, and from 17 until 4 months ago I was misdiagnosed as bipolar. I tried for over a decade to get help for bipolar. I took all the pills and listened to what all the professionals said. In and out of mental hospitals, inpatient outpatient. Only improving a moderate amount over time. When I was re-diagnosed I didn't know much about BPD and my relationship I was in had turned south because my frustrations and things were getting too much to handle, and so I had moved back home so we could still be together while I got help away from her so that she could get a well-deserved break from me in person. So when I was re-diagnosed, from what I had heard about BPD I thought oh well it's kinda like bipolar from what I remember. But then the relationship ended because of an instance over text where I had to shut myself off which was too much on my already strained partner. Since it ended I have been scouring every corner of the internet researching BPD and I've bought books now and I've been just, trying to understand. Trying to understand me. Why do I keep failing? It's been a roller coaster from seeing how badly some people with BPD want to be helped and also seeing the destruction laid by people with BPD to varying degrees. I began seeing patterns within myself that resonated that to me just seemed normal, like, I genuinely believed most people thought the way I did. I already recognized my frustration issues and anger outbursts to be a problem and I did lose myself in those sometimes but I also did work on them and recognize them to not be okay. I already also saw the things I recognized as not okay behavior or not justifiable like being accusatory with no proof or going through things that were not mine to go through(phones, socials, etc). So I had a lot of clarity on things I already knew weren't okay before this, and obviously, there are varying degrees of BPD on a wide spectrum. But after all of this research, I began seeing these patterns I didn't realize existed and it made me start challenging myself and my world views, at first it was hard to challenge and I even justified some thought patterns and like doubted myself, but I kept challenging and stopped being able to justify as I researched and researched coming to more and more realizations that my world view has just been, clouded by so much self-hate and projections of insecurities within myself and yesterday I feel like my head got cracked open and these broken glasses I've been wearing my whole life finally got removed. My entire worldview has been shattered into pieces on the floor and I see the way that my insecurities lead my opinions on things that are just not normal and I'm just, beside myself. I have unconsciously done everything I could to keep myself where my abusers placed me, and I have been doing it to myself and projecting that others were going to do it to me, for so long. I haven't been able to describe my feelings properly for so long because I couldn't understand what my feelings were I just knew I felt really bad. But it's like the flood gates have opened and I can explain every single instance and detail and I'm just. I'm so sad. Everything all the way down into simple arguments with friends has just been. Clouded. All of the things I was never able to explain properly I can explain with ease right now. My head is splitting and I can't stop seeing and connecting how wrong and just plain, messed up I have been for so, so long. I have always been very empathetic and loving and caring and truly remorseful for bad things I have done. But now I see how things I saw as truly normal thought patterns have hurt the people I have loved and who have loved me, and I am just so sad today, and not for me. I am so sorry.