I feel so beaten down at this point that I feel like I'm a car trying to sputter to life right now. It keeps turning and turning, but something is functionally wrong with my car aka me. I'm newly diagnosed with BPD after being misdiagnosed bipolar when I was around 9/10 years old. I'm struggling with going to work, making a decision with my relationship, struggling with debt, my trauma, and I just lost my grandmother on the 10th of January (almost 12 days before her birthday) after losing my grandfather almost 9 months to the day back in April 2021 on the 11th. I just feel like I'm in a whirlwind of grief and trauma. I've been heavily going back and forth dissociating since a very bad abusive relationship that continued from 2018-2019. I question all of my feelings and emotions, I pick apart every aspect of my life. Classic over-analyzing-over-thinker type. I just feel like I'm in a sinkhole filled with quicksand and there's no roots or branches or rocks to grab onto, it's just me continuing to sink deeper and deeper. I feel alone. Like no understands, but I also don't understand either. There's something new everyday.