I guess I'll start with some facts about me today (13/05/21): I'm 30, m, I'm a lawyer and I'm currently living in Belgium. From a young age I was diagnosed with chronic depression, but things changed in my early 20's: I'd say that the depressive component within myself shifted into a more emotionally unstable way of living, so I was diagnosed with BPD. Then, years later, when I was around 28, I was diagnosed with ADHD as well. Besides many, many stories that I could share about myself here, I'd like to address 2 specific points: i) preferences and ii) extreme emotional unstability:

i) I was raised in a conservative way and my family was very strict, so I was kind of the "perfect kid"; I was playing sports professionally and internationally at the age of 10, then I was the valedictorian of my school, then got to Law School and finished 1 out of 117 students, and then I was supposed to go to Harvard-Yale-Standford for an LLM, which is what my peers already did. However, I guess I was never convinced about anything about life. I've been depressed since I can remember, and I've been battling to survive every single day of my life, because I also chose not to follow any kind of therapy. I guess, in a way, I've been kind of wanting to prove myself that I could achieve many stuff while having different mental disorders without needing a mental health professional supporting me, and in a way, I kind of already did it, but at what cost? I was never able to develop preferences in life, and this could sound weird for some of you, but since I've always been depressed, everything always felt the same for me. Sprite or pepsi? Favorite movies? Favorite kind of music? Nothing. I've never had preferences. Men or woman? Shy or outgoing? Hypersexual or asexual? I just never developed preferences and I've been running away from my own life, without having any kind of direction. In fact, 10 months ago I decided to come to Belgium to do a master's in Anthropology (out of nowhere) and now I live alone here, and I don't even know why I did it. Now I don't know what to do with my future, if coming back to my country, if trying to become a "lawyer again", if just going to another country to work ilegally in a bar; I just don't know what to do with my future because I never developed preferences. I feel I could work as a doctor, as an economist, as a gardener, as a psychologist, as an escort, and a congressman, but at the same time, I feel I that I cannot leave my bed because I'm always too depressed (in fact, there are days when I don't eat nor shower because I can't function due to my disturbing thoughts and depression).

ii) Ok, I have never met someone as emotionally unstable as me, and I'd be great if I could find someone to talk about our experiences. For instance, I've been playing guitar and signing for some years now, and I have never been able to finish one 3-min song, in probably 10 years. Because I just get bored in the middle of it (maybe this has to do with ADHD?), and I have never been able to plan a trip, ever in my life, cause my emotions change every minute. For instance, I've been going out with my best friend on the weekends for about 5 years now, and we cannot even plan it with 24 hours of anticipation, because my emotions change too fast. I cannot even confirm if I'd be willing to go out with him the same day, not even 5 hours before; I always need to confirm 1 hour ago; otherwise, I could get depressed all of the sudden, without wanting to see him. And yes, this has ruined my whole life: now that I'm alone in another country, people tell me to do stuff and I just can't do anything, cause I might say yes by 15.04, while I could be wanting to die by 15.50. Of course, this has affected my social life, my work (I have quitted from 14 jobs), the hobbies that I have kind of developed during my life, my sex life, the interaction with my friends, etc.

I have had sex with hundreds of people, and 99% of the times has been only one night stands, because it seems that my brain cannot handle with "stability", and seeing someone twice, sort of gives my brain the feeling of "stability", and of course, this has ruined my emotional life, and also my sexual life, because I no longer enjoy sex anymore. I just feel lost. I can't even plan a Zoom call with my friends living in my country of origin, cause again, I might want to talk to them by 18.01 but not by 18.50, and it's just terrible. How do I live my life, then? Well, when I have some impulse to do something (whether it's having a walk with someone, talking to my friends or studying for university) I can only do it at the time when my body enables me to do so. Not 1 min later, not 10 min; nope, so of course I feel terribly selfish, cause everytime any human being tells me to do something, I always say no, and I only do stuff when I want, the way I want. When it was a younger, this was just "my personality", but now that I'm 30, it's just weird and selfish, you know what I mean? I cannot either plan my sex encounters. What if I ask a girl to come in 5 hours to fuck her, but in 4 hours onwards, I wanna be fucked by a masc man? Even my sexual preferences in bed are not consistent; absolutely nothing is consistent in my life, I guess because I never really developed preferences.

All this has affected my health over the years; there was one time when I went 30 times to the hospital in the span of 6 months, due to different things: throat infections, stomach infections, eye infections, chronic pharingitis, muscular injuries, etc, because my body is always pushed to the limits with all of the battles my brain has to deal with.

I have many more things to say, but I would LOVE to talk to people dealing with similar stuff. I've always loved those who usually feel lost in life, without a concrete direction...