Over a year ago, I was terminated from my job for sexually harassing three women. I thought I was being funny and flirty but I wasn’t; I was simply being a creep.

I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts since then. On the day I was fired I drank myself into a stupor and threatened to commit suicide; even made a few attempts and tried to plan something out. All failed I guess but who knows; maybe I’ll get it right someday.

Now, a year after that, I’m doing better in some ways, not so much in others. I recently adopted a cat and she is my baby; I can’t fathom the idea of leaving her. But my life’s been a grind of work, home, work, appointment, home, work, see family, home, work, home, etc. I’m doing my best to be more aware of what I’m saying and to whom but it’s tough and there’s times where I think just speaking to people is unacceptable somehow. Now I feel like I can’t really go anywhere or socialize with anyone because my past behavior will be exposed and I’ll be shunned from society.

I lost contact with the only friend I had because one of the women I harassed was a mutual friend. I haven’t spoken to him in months and he hadn’t responded to the text message I sent him. The meaning is clear: we’re not friends anymore.

Now I have no in real life friends and the few friends I have online might be considering ejecting me from our server. Not that I’d blame them, I’d get rid of someone like me in their position.

Anyway, I’m now rather content with having no friends. I’m only valued for the resources I provide. Whether that’s my muscle and experience in my warehouse job, the money I give to a woman who only contacts me for money, my brother who needs help with his house or to complain about our mom, who only wants me around to distract her from her marriage trauma.

I don’t want friends. I don’t need friends. In the unlikely event someone asks to be my friend, begs to be my friend, demands to be my friend, whatever it may be, I’ll laugh and tell them I don’t want or need them.