It sounds so stupid right? It literally does. My entire deal (well, a part of it) is that not only do I ruin my time and my life but that anytime I go nuclear it bleeds into my relationships and other people.

I have been dealing with splitting for over two weeks now and it is a feeling I did not fucking miss. I am trying so hard to not blow up or succumb to my instincts because logically I know it will hurt both of us in the long run. It makes me feel like a petulant child and I have had people call me selfish and that I expect unreasonable things. All I want is to not be ignored for hours on end, because I know my relationship with this person has been fizzling. It's so fucking obvious and even he said he was scared of messing it up. Motherfucker, then don't fucking mess it up? I changed absolutely nothing, but suddenly he meets new people and all I can do is adapt; I cannot control my emotions and I don't think I ever will be able to (lol), I can only control my reactions. But it's so tiring and it's so hard. I feel just this gaping hole in my chest and nothing matters. It's so cliche and stereotypical and I'm sure the assholes that orbit this sub in hopes of finding evidence that we're all monsters will feel pleased with themselves.

Like, yeah, I do want to hurt myself because I feel abandoned and rejected after feeling secure for years. Yeah I do and quite frankly I don't know what to do with these emotions. I quite literally cannot just 'suck it up' and 'deal with it'. This IS me dealing with it. I am just sitting here being consumed by feelings that poison me and this has been going on for so long that I feel like I can't keep doing this, it's like I'm going to snap at some point and make it worse than it already is.

I would wish this on my worst enemy, this shit fucking sucks. I always think back to when I'm feeling like this after I've "calmed down" (lol again) and think "yeah I'm a horrible fucking person."