I tagged this “mental health” but I suppose “support” would be appropriate too. I’m just struggling tonight. You ever have a conversation with someone and they weren’t talking about you and your body but you can’t stop thinking about it?

For context, a couple nights ago my kids were asking about celebrity crushes and asking my partner and I who we liked. We’re open about that kind of stuff within reason so we were listing who we liked. And my partner mentioned that one of his long time favorites is Jessica Biel. He said, “Did you ever see her in the movie Stealth? Goddamn, that body suit she was wearing just hugged every curve.”

Now at first I was pretty stoked because I find Jessica Biel to be among the more realistic women in Hollywood. Absolutely gorgeous without being so obviously doctored or spending every waking moment in the gym or counting calories. Although who knows? For all I know she struggles to look the way she does.

I digress.

I didn’t think it bothered me. Normally I say my “goddess bod” is beautiful. Because honestly I just want to accept it. This is always the size my body comes back to with little fluctuation. And it’s big. Voluptuous. A body made for making, carrying and feeding babies. Ever see the rolls on the traditional “mother goddess” statues? That’s me. A big, chunky, sensual goddess with rolls and cellulite.

But after that conversation, I looked in the mirror and thought, “Who the fuck am I kidding? I look disgusting.”

To top it all off, I’m insecure about my teeth and I’m growing my hair out from having it shaved and everything is just awkward and lumpy and misshapen. And I’m just never going to look like Jessica Biel in a body suit.

My partner assures me on a regular basis that he loves my body even if it never changes, and given our sex life I can’t deny he backs it up in tangible ways. But still. I don’t feel like a goddess tonight. I feel sad and lumpy and misshapen.