Does anyone else feel panic and subsequent exhaustion after attending an event? I literally tire myself out after all the self hatred, embarrassment and attempts to hide myself.

I went to a wedding last weekend and so many parts of it were really painful. It was a family event, and a lot of my family (though they mean well) make comments about my appearance often. They are overwhelmingly positive, but even those give me stress. I usually think they're lying, pitying me, and I even get paranoid that my mom tells them to say kind things about my looks because she knows how much I hate myself. Two family members asked if I lost weight. I have, but definitely not in a healthy way. I've been basically starving myself for the past two months and railing adderall to curb my appetite. Another asked if I gained weight. My heart legit dropped into my stomach. Again, she absolutely did not mean it in a malicious way...she even apologized after because she could tell it upset me. She said she asked because my face seemed healthy/glowy. I have no idea where tf she's getting that from because it absolutely DOES NOT...but ok.

Obviously, weddings always include a lot of pictures. Every time I was obligated to take one I tried to hide my body behind someone else in the shot because I feel the compulsive need to shield myself from the camera. The photographer tried to show me the photos after they were taken and I literally ran away. If I saw them it would have ruined my entire night. Even not seeing them kinda did...but whatever. I just want to be normal and enjoy my time with family, and have recorded memories of fond times. I haven't had that since childhood. It sucks so much. I'm crying even writing this because BD is stealing my life from me.

Seeing how happy the married couple was is also painful. I've never had a truly functional relationship, and though rationally I know this makes no sense, I always blame it on my appearance. I really believe that no one will love me or treat me well. I'll never get married or find a life partner. Even though I'm 25, it feels like time is running out. Again, I know that's ridiculous, but it doesn't stop the feeling.

I've been in therapy for so long, but the BD is getting exponentially worse with each passing year. I am seriously at my wits end. So many people, therapists included, say that you stop caring so much about what people think as you get older. I seem to care more and more as time goes on. I fear how bad things will be even a year down the line.

This is so long winded and rambley but it does feel kinda good to get this out. Hopefully people here understand. Sending luv to all my other neurotic homies on here. <3