Possibly triggering content? Maybe?

I guess this is a question.. I'm really not sure how to tell the difference.

I know I'm unattractive, like... I know what people find attractive, and I also know I look nothing like that. I know beauty is subjective but I've had enough people tell me I'm ugly that I know how most people see me lol. So do I have a realistic view of myself, or not? It's weird because even on the days I feel okay and like I might actually "pass for a human" (my phrasing lol) I still know, objectively, that other people don't see me that way. They see what I see on bad days.

I also don't look how I seem to think I look in my head. Like in my mind I "see myself" as more attractive than I am, and then when I visually see myself in a mirror or a picture it's almost... jarring? Not quite shocking but almost. The vision of myself in my head definitely is me, just slightly tweaked from reality. Does anyone else have that?

Honestly I'm just posting this because I'm holding off on dating or trying to find someone until I can get these flaws "fixed"- like I have quite the wish list of plastic surgeries I want to get, and until I get them I feel like it just isn't possible for someone to love me. And it's just making me really sad. So maybe this post doesn't have a point, maybe I'm just venting actually, I don't know.

Thoughts?