Recently, I’ve been struggling with mild acne (3-4 spots on face at a time, most of them quite small with typically one bigger/more inflamed spot, though some of them scar for a month or so) and some fungal acne which mostly presents itself as texture (skin-colored, super small bumps only visible under certain lighting on my cheeks) due to an antibiotic I’m on, and despite its objective mildness it’s been messing with my body dysmorphia as I’ve always been very sensitive about my skin. I actually went on Accutane in high school for mild but super, super persistent acne, but relapsed in the form of small pimples here and there about 2 years after finishing my course.

Prior to going on the antibiotic 2 months ago for non-acne related purposes, I had gotten my skin to be the clearest it’s been in a long time. This lasted for around five months, and in that period of time, I stopped wearing concealer which was honestly liberating and boosted my confidence to a level it only was at in those 2 years post-Accutane before I started getting pimples again. I’m a guy so I already feel really embarrassed about using concealer to cover my pimples, but I feel like I wouldn’t be confident enough to go in public without it while I’m breaking out, so this was a huge relief.

Fast forward to now, and I’m breaking out worse than I have in a long time due to the medication I’ll be on for one more month. I’ve had to start using concealer again on the 3-4 spots that are red, which makes me feel better temporarily but honestly makes me feel like shit in the long term, especially when I have to take it off. I’m also gay and recently started dating a guy I really like a few months ago when my skin was at its peak, and I can’t help but feel like I somehow misled him in a way since my skin was pretty much perfect then and now I’m getting pimples again. Every time I put my concealer on, I feel like a catfish even though I only spot conceal and it’s not that many spots. It doesn’t help that the guy I’m dating is in his mid-30’s (I’m 24) and therefore doesn’t really deal with pimples at all in this stage of life. I just feel like a teenager again and like I’m not good enough for him or for anyone really while my skin is like this. It’s probably irrational, but I worry that once he sees me without concealer he’ll lose interest, so when I spend the night I only wash my face after we turn the lights out and are going to bed. I hurry to his bathroom the next morning to put the spots of concealer back on before he sees me.

I feel like I’m being fake or fooling him somehow, which sucks because I definitely don’t feel that way about other people who use concealer or even foundation to cover their acne and feel more confident. It’s just a standard I hold myself to. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this train of thought? I basically feel like a monster unless my skin is perfect, lol.