Some people at work and other places within the past few months call me stuff like gorgeous, pretty, whatever. anytime people say those things, theres not even one single milisecond that goes by that i beleive that even 1%. I immediately disregard those comments, similar to if someone said "horses are a fish". you would immiedtaley know without a doubt thats not true. it makes me extremely angry when people "compliment" me because i don't appreciate being lied to and in fact i feel like it makes my BDD worse somehow. if anyone calls me pretty it makes me feel even MORE ugly because i think theyre saying it out of pity.

I worked my butt off for the past 1.5 years with cosmetic procedures in mind that i wanted to get once i was done saving all the money i needed. but it ended up occuring that i needed to get a car (everything is super far apart where i live, to walk anywhere it is 20 minutes minimum and theres a million roads so you have a high chance of getting ran over, and theres no buses). so i bought a car. with cash. it's a good car. it's nice. but im not happy and i want to die. because all that money was supposed to be for my ugly *** face. up until that point, i had been using crappy cheap "beater" cars. but they kept breaking down so in order to survive and maintain a job i had no choice but to buy one. an actual good one. (i have no credit history for financing).

eversince i dont have much money anymore, i have been looking in the mirror up to 100 times daily to make sure "if im still ugly". i want to stab myself in the face because i already feel so ugly so why not just get it overwith and mutilate it. it cant get any worse from here. also, id rather be ugly from a visible traumatic accident where i got hurt, rather than be ugly from just existing and no traumatic accident ever happened to me.

i made an okcupid account and i got a lot of likes, it said 99 and it doesnt show the actual number after that point but based upon the new likes it told me i got everyday id estimate i got like 300 or so. anyway i deleted the account because i dont want to talk to any of them because their tastes are horrible, i look like crap, and i realized that i dont want to date anyone because im too ugly to date and anyone who likes me or thinks i look good, i think theyre a mentally deranged lunatic and i want nothing to do with such a person. I know that men usually just swipe right on all women, so the amount of likes i got isnt a representation of me actually looking good. i know that. but some of them did message me and give me physical compliments. i couldnt handle that, it made me sick and disgusted that they'd say that. it DISGUSTED ME SO ******* BAD. I felt like all of the men saying that are insane, mentally deranged crazy psychotic people and i realized i want nothing to do with these crazy people and deleted the app.

i feel so disgusting, i feel more ugly like a maggot, i feel more ugly than a bunch of maggots crawling around in a dead body and flies swarming around in the body. i feel like that visual looks ten times better than me. i feel like the ugliest "thing" that ever walked the earth and when i look in the mirror all i see is pure and utter disgustingness. ew, ew, ew, ew ,ew, EW,EW ,EWWWWWWW. IM SO UGLY. AND I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO START ADMITTING IT AND BEING ******** HONEST WITH ME. PEOPLE EITHER SAY NOTHING ABOUT MY LOOKS OR THEY OCCASIONALLY SAY I LOOK GOOD. WHY CAN NO ONE BE HONEST JUST SAY IM UGLY, SAY IM DIGUSTING, CALL ME UGLY *****, IM TIRED OF ALL OF THESE ******* WOMEN (AND MEN ON DATING APPS) WHO CALL ME PRETTY, SHUT THE HECK UP YOU STUPID *** ***** ******* ****, IM NOT PRETTY **** YOUUUUUUUUUUU NOT LYING TO ME YOU PIECE OF ****!!! AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Im gonna go break something rn, im so angry. All people do is lie to me. Im trying my best to start saving for surgeries again. i managed to save enough for one tiny procedure but not surgery, its just an injection. i cant afford any surgeries anymore since i bought a car. only small procedures like injections. i have a procedure schedules for late august. If the procedure doesnt make me feel better i swear to god, i swear on my cat's grave that im going to buy a surgical knife and st*b myself in the face. that's a promise. sorry if thats vulgar or triggering but that will be my only final sense of relief.