I (23 black male) did something stupid I have had issues with self harm before in my youth although the way I present myself you’d never think I’d have any problems always clowning carrying on I haven’t cut myself or burn my life in so long from age 14-16 I had been cutting myself or burning myself to cope with stress when I was first caught it was the “you not white” or the “seeking attention” stigmas so I kinda used acting out in school as coping and of course that affected my grades and opportunities but I swear from 16 to almost 24 now I have never self harmed but ended up enlisting in the military that’s a huge stressor for me and unlike other jobs I can’t leave this one I feel trapped young and old at the same time missed opportunities even feel like parts of my maturity has been stunted that coupled with feeling like I want more in my life I have my girlfriend who I love she’s kinda only one keeping me going it’s selfish to relying your mental health on one person and I know it’s draining her I had a therapist but I deployed came back and he couldn’t see anymore clients so I just been thuggin it but today I just had enough I should have sensed it days ago when I took razor blade from work home with me now I regret it but I finally released a lot and I’m afraid of falling back into that

Update!!! I wanna thank all those who encouraged me with words, pms and upvotes I’ll carry that with me brief interactions mean so much when impact was there I wanna thank y’all

I didn’t want help but my first sergeant (HR I guess is the easiest way to describe it for those that don’t know) saw my arm she took me to mental health I was reluctant at first but y’all and coworkers showed me that I’m not here alone even had my strict Jamaican grandmother pray some prayers for me thank you all love my tribe if. You see that and cut or self harm reach out we’ll go through it together