As a black gay cis man my preferred type when dating are other black and brown men but I keep on coming to a recurring barrier with other black queer men - especially in the city - which is their trauma. So many black queer men are holding onto toxic beliefs about themselves, blackness, and queerness that they subject their partners and dating strategy to that I simply refuse to tolerate - especially after I've started doing trauma work myself.

The shit I've heard on dates with other black men: (TW Btw) "You should cut that kunta kinte hair." "Black men are good for a quick fuck not for dating." "I'm not gonna bring that f***** shit around my group." "Italian men are really the ideal type of man." "Black men are too angry for me." "I'm down to date a black man, but he has to have clout." "Dating black is kind of incestuous for me." "Why all you niggas got to do that gay shit tho." "I need a real nigga at home." "You gotta pay/cook/clean for me." "Why are nappy headed." Etc.

If nothing else, I'll go on dates with black men and they'll treat other black men like placeholders while treating non-black partners like goddesses. They're less patient with their black partners, less giving with their black partners, more demanding. I believe that all of this stems from anti-black and anti-fem beliefs that they hold within themselves, but I find it to be a universal experience especially amongst those who see themselves as problack or profem. I'm starting to just assume that if I see a black potential I like their biases and trauma would stop this from ever becoming a thing - and I know that's prejudicial and unfair. My dating history is becoming whiter than I like because while white gay men have their own shit the ones I've dated never said anything fucked up or disrespectful to me - and the ones who are internally racist self-select themselves out instead of entertaining dates they truly never wanted out of a sense of obligation.

So honestly, have you guys dealt with this? Have you done this? How do you deal with this? Do you accept this? Is it regional?