I’m not sure if anyone will even read this but it was nice to get off my chest. Maybe someone feels similarly or maybe I’m crazy. Hope no one is upset by this

Hi everyone,

I posted here about 2 hours ago about a topic that could have put people at ease, so I apologize for that. I’ve since deleted the post, and thankfully, a user was willing to provide some support with what I was going through. However, the topic is still on my mind. It’s mainly about how race can come up within sex, whether that be through raceplay or fetishization. If you would’ve told me about raceplay or fetishization a year ago, I would’ve called you crazy for allowing any white person to participate in that with you. But in this past year, when I’ve been able to learn more about myself, my sexuality, and yes, my kinks, I’m conflicted.

To most of my school, I’m an advocate for anti-racism, but behind closed doors, I’ve allowed 2 different white men to call me the n-word in a “sexual” context. They’re usually the person who starts it, and maybe it’s because in younger and a people pleaser, I kind of just go along with it because it makes them more engaged in the sexual action. After enough of doing that, I’ve kind of tricked my brain into liking it a bit.

I think the problem is that I’ve overlapped two power dynamics: age (young/old) and race (Black/white) and both are seriously conflicting. To many, neither should be encouraged, to some, one or the other can be explored in a healthy way, but I feel like I’m left to deal with both of them at the same time.

And with some new found freedom in my life, I feel like I’m just chasing after another white man to be submissive too and I’m honestly scared for what this can do to me when I’m older. I feel like I can’t stop and I feel like I can’t changed these attractions and desires.