I love you. I know we haven't said that many words or spent that much time together. I know it's illogical. But the truth is I love you. Furthermore, you're The One. Again, that doesn't make sense. Yet I just know it.

When I first met you, you didn't make a strong impression on me. You seemed aloof and not very approachable. But over time I began to see glimpses into your being. I was intrigued, also sympathetic. Being sapiosexual, I value your intellectual drive. I also notice a sadness. It's all too familiar to me. A person's ultimate happiness is inspiring happiness in others. I so wanted, and still want, to be the person to make you deliriously blissful. I was hoping you would finally be that person I could finally walk hand in hand with, both literally and metaphorically.

But you have no interest in me. I think your curiosity was piqued. That's not unusual in my life. Many females have had an interest in me. But with all females that curiosity faded. I have consistently been unable to maintain interest of others. Like walking and using language, the ability to seek and develop romantic experiences and connections is something a healthy human (and even non human) develops at some point in their lifetime. This is something I never developed. From time to time I could attract women, but I could never "complete the sale" and make attraction and interest sublimate into something more established and meaningful. In that way I am mentally handicapped. And at an age where I could technically be a grandfather, it's not practical to hold out for hope. Several experiences of disappointment have spelled that out for me quite clearly. There are virtually no chances.

I'm not bitter towards you at all. You like what you like. And that's not me. You've made it clear you don't wish to socialize with me. I accept that. And I wish you the best. I hope you get your life together in every way, and find purpose, appreciation, and joy beyond your wildest imagination. I especially hope you find that person, your Best Friend, you One you can bet together with on a sometimes happy, sometimes sad journey in life. It would be such a waste not to have someone experience, appreciate, worship your uniqueness, your utter beauty, your wonder on an intimate level. You have so much to offer. I know what I speak of.

And the thing is I know you're a pain in the ass. I know you have your faults. That doesn't change my feelings for you. If anything it validates them. Anything that is dear is worth putting effort into. And I so desperately want that opportunity. But you won't hear of it and I must move on.

To anyone reading this: Don't be concerned about suicidal thoughts. I am very not inclined to go that far. Recently I was reminded I do have things in life I enjoy. I'm also mature and responsible enough to support myself. It took some time to determine I can't let this one egregious void in my life affect my responsibilities and dictate my future. I still need food, clothes on my back, a roof over my head, etc. I have been successful in putting my deficiencies off to the side and move on with life, even finding some positive episodes here and there. And I'm grateful and blessed with relative physical health, financial stability, intelligence and especially some good friends (whom, by the way, I wish I saw more and were more in contact with).

Still, I know I will die alone. I don't want that to happen, so my goal is to try to find happiness wherever I can, have as much happiness while I have the opportunities, and get my mind off what is the ultimate destiny of all of us. Maybe someday I'll even go forth with my delusions of bisexuality and indulge in same sex experiences. It's not the perfect outle

Also to anyone reading this: Please don't give me advice or encouragement. I've heard it all from friends with the best intentions and professionals with the best qualifications. Anything said or done to improve my hope will just bring my hopes up only to have those hopes pulled up from under me. I guarantee this will happen. The most peace I will ever find is knowing this situation will never change, not contemplating it and focusing on things I can control and accomplish.

Oh, how I wish things could be different. My Lord, why have you abandoned me?