I've been through a lot of emotions in recent months as I come to terms with this part of myself. Mostly positive ones. But in the last couple days I find myself feeling something I wouldn't have expected - anger.

I'll try to keep it short. Im [30M], always been bi (obviously) but always had a clear preference for women and am probably hetero-romantic. I always saw myself ending up with and marrying a woman. I went from doubt and suppression in high-school, to acceptance in college. I "came out" to most of my close friends and college social circles. This was a decade ago now. I got no hate, no negativity, nobody stopped talking to me. But I got a lot, and I mean a lot of people who heard bisexual and thought gay. "Oh, so you're gay right?" Some friends that I still talk to and adore to this day. "Bi girls are all straight girls doing it for the attention, and bi guys are all secretly gay." Some said it to my face, others talked about it behind my back and I heard about it second-hand. A few even tried to intervene and convince me to accept my gayness.

And I was like...no, definitely not gay. In fact, actively trying to get a girlfriend right now. In some cases, actively interested in the (female) person telling me to my face that I'm gay. I lost a relationship over it, had girls stop talking to me when they found out. And my (very brief) experimentation in college with men was not that enjoyable either.

I came out (in a limited way), and it didn't make my life any better. In fact, it made it worse in several ways.

So I kinda just stopped talking about it. I never outright denied it or "went back in" or anything like that. But I basically put this part of myself to the side, figured I would be happier and live a better life if I just ignored it and focused on what I really wanted, which was finding a girl to fall in love with.

Here we are a decade later, and I found that. I'm engaged to the love of my life. And I'm so so lucky, because not only is she bi herself, but with her support and encouragement I've been able to accept and embrace my own sexuality and identity. I am bisexual. Always was, always will be. I love being bi and I love myself for it. My girl and I even trust each other enough to have a somewhat open relationship, and pursue casual dating with same-gender people on the side. So I've gotten to explore my sexuality physically as well. And yeah, it's definitely real.

So I've been feeling a lot of joy and pride and self-acceptance recently. It's done wonders for my mental health. I've even started talking about it again with some close friends.

But now, I'm starting to feel really angry.

I always blamed myself for repressing or "going back into the closet" or whatever the hell it was I did a decade ago. I felt like I'd chickened out, fallen short, bowed under pressure. That I didn't have the balls to stand by my identity, correct and then reject the haters, accept myself and the consequences that came with it.

And only now, with the benefit of 10 years of wisdom and hindsight, do I realize just how much I was forced into denying myself. I'm not gay and I hated being seen that way. I wanted to date women. I was interested in guys too, but what I really wanted at the time was a girlfriend. With a single label, I had deeply narrowed my dating pool, put myself in a position where more than half my friends believed I was something I wasn't, opened myself up to homophobia and biphobia and danger. Potentially compromised my position with my family and damaged my career prospects as well. None of those things actually happened, but they could've.

That's what I was responding to ten years ago. Coming out didn't make my life better in any way. It made it worse, and had the potential to make it FAR worse.

I met the person of my dreams, so in one sense I really wouldn't change anything. Who knows if the slightest change may have resulted in me not meeting her, or meeting her at a different time/different context where we wouldn't have built the relationship we did. I wouldn't wish for anything that might've changed that.

But on the other hand, how much did I miss out on in my 20s? I used to think that repressing my bisexuality was easy since I'm hetero-leaning, but now I realize it may have done more damage than I ever thought. I spent ten years unable to fully be myself, both socially and internally. I think I'm hetero-romantic (and nowadays, 100% my-fiance-romantic). But had I been given the chance to be myself, what relationships might I have missed out on? Could I have dated a guy? Maybe! What friendships, what sexual experiences did I miss out on? What adventures? I tended to stay away from queer/lgbt spaces because I didn't want to "remind" people that I'd once called myself bi. Maybe I would've felt more at home in some of those spaces. I have precisely ZERO gender dysphoria - I love being a man (cis if that matters) and wouldn't change that for a second - but could I have enjoyed dressing more androgynous or feminine at times? Maybe.

I know it's not too late for any of this. I'm so lucky to have a supportive, understanding, and open LTR. As I enter my 30s I know I can begin to explore my own queerness in a safe way. I am wiser and have tons more self-confidence now than I did a decade ago. I could probably avoid some blunders I may have made back then.

But yeah, I am angry. Angry at the people who made me regret ever coming out. Angry at the women who rejected me and made me feel less desirable as a man. Angry at the early-2010s liberal American society that didn't have a place for me. And no, I'm not blameless. I could've been stronger and more self-assured back then, stared down the naysayers and been more visible. But I no longer look back at that period as "my fault". I'm done feeling guilty about it. I came out as bi ten years ago, and the society I lived in made it so difficult to be who I really was, that I had to pretend again.

If there's a silver lining anywhere here, it's that the response I've gotten this time around has been nothing but 100% positive. Nobody doubts me, nobody thinks I'm secretly gay, nobody thinks it's "just a phase." My own self-confidence, and the fact that I'm engaged to a girl I very clearly love, may have a lot to do with that. But it also seems like society may have become a little more welcoming to bi people - and bi men specifically - in the last 10 years.

And all I can do, from where I stand now, is help make it just a teeny bit moreso. Call the fuck out of people when I witness bi-erasure. I think a lot of it comes from a place of ignorance, not hate. Be more visible as a bi man in a hetero relationship. Be there for the people who aren't as lucky as me.